Written by misha marinsky
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Topics: Medical, Hospital

Saturday, 7 January 2006

image for I Went Skydiving

ERIE MEDICAL CENTER - Hi! Me again. Well, I'm back in the hospital.

When I was released from here the second time, I asked the nurse what I should do to keep active. So she said, ‘Why don't you try skydiving? Maybe you won't come back after that.'

Well, there's a skydiving center in the next county over, so I decided to drive there once the cast came off my leg. And I really hated being in traction. I told the nurse I was embarrassed to use the bedpan. She said that's what happens when I go swimming with a cast on my leg. I told her I wasn't swimming - I was learning how to scuba dive. Would you believe she started to laugh?

Anyway, they sent me home with an aide, so I wouldn't take the cast off myself, and so I wouldn't practice anymore scuba diving. That aide really had a temper. I told her about all of the things I taught myself, and she told me to shut up. I overheard her on the telephone, and I heard her say ‘idiot.' I wonder whom she was talking about.

Anyway, the aide took me back to the hospital to have my cast removed. She also insisted on driving. I really didn't like her driving my car. I'm still making payments on the Hyundai, and she told me she wasn't very good at driving stick. I kept hearing the gears grinding. After the cast was removed, the nurse told me I didn't have to go home with the aide. Boy, that was a relief! I don't think she hurt the gears, ‘cause it shifted OK.

So the next day I drove to the skydiving center. They showed me everything, including packing my own chute. Packing that chute was just like wrapping a pita sandwich. They also showed everyone a short movie about skydiving. I couldn't wait!

When I jumped, I did everything like they showed me, but the chute wouldn't open! So I tried to remember what to do so the reserve chute would open up. Well, I guess I was too close to the ground when the reserve finally opened, ‘cause I woke up again in an operating room.

They have me in a darkened room, and a social worker has been in to see me a couple of times. She talked about disability insurance, and some other things. I don't remember everything, because I kept falling asleep. I guess it was the morphine.

Oh yeah, when I was first brought into my room, I heard the nurse say ‘Thank you for coming, Father.' Then someone said something about Last Rites. Well, I guess everything is OK, because I can still write about it, even though I'm in a cast that's almost full body.

When I get home, I'll have to think about what to try next!

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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