At a press conference this afternoon, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie put the final nail in the coffin that he had put the final nail in last week by declaring he was not running for President of the Unites States.
Reporters, like horny college guys waiting for the go ahead from their objects of lust, crowded the New Jersey Statehouse, waving microphones like the phallic symbols they are.
"Now is not my time," Christie said. "And I told you that a million times before. What is wrong with you people?"
"So, you're saying you're not running for President?" one reporter asked (not this one-just saying).
"No," Christie replied.
"Would you consider running if you were asked again?"
"What if your wife asked you to?"
"Again, I said 'no'."
"Would you run with a mouse?"
"Would you run on a house?"
"No, no, and no. I would not run with a mouse and I would not run on a house. I am not running, Sam I Am. I am not running to govern this land."
"My name's Jeff," said the reporter, somewhat dejectedly, and sat down.
"Is it because of your weight?" Marielle Martin of Good Housekeeping asked. "Because if it is, you know, you could do something about that. Go on Biggest Loser or something."
"No. It's not because of my weight. What kind of a question is that?"
"Because, you know, you don't necessarily have to run for President," Martin continued. "You could, you know, walk for the Presidency. There's no rule that says you actually have to run."
"I said it's not because of my weight!" Christie yelled. He swiped his sweaty forehead with one hand, dousing those in the front row. "This press conference is over!"
Reporters continued to fire questions at him as he left the stage. He ignored all of them during the ten minutes it took him to walk off.
But not everyone, apparently, was disappointed with the announcement. Michelle Bachman was later seen laughing maniacally and convulsively rubbing her hands together. She then got into a black limousine with tinted windows and sped away.