Written by misha marinsky
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Topics: Iraq, Americans

Saturday, 7 January 2006

BAGHDAD - In a first ever occurrence in nature, a group of Iraqi lemmings have formed a suicide brigade, to launch suicide attacks on Sunnis, Shias, Americans, British, and anyone else they feel like.

The brigade, which just staged its first suicide mission against a mess tent operated by Halliburton, is known as the All Lemming Non-Denominational Martyrs Brigade. The brigade is still assessing the effectiveness of this first mission. Initial field reports from journalists and American counter-insurgency commanders state that everyone in the Green Zone was totally unprepared for a new front to open up in the war to take control of Iraq.

Sgt. Jethro Previc of the US Army, who was appointed spokesman, said "We were completely caught off guard. I don't know how those lemmings were able to breach security, as tight as it is. I guess when you're in the Green Zone, you tend to relax a little too quickly. We're going to have to go back to treating this part of Baghdad like it was the rest of the city. We just got a hard lesson that no place here is safe from suicidal lemming brigades."

All branches of both the US military and the British contingent here have been placed on high alert. There also is consternation about how to prevent further lemming suicide attacks in the future. Since lemmings are vegetarians, military strategists are uncertain on how to trap them.

Sgt. Previc said, "The primary goal is interdiction. We have to disrupt the lemmings while they are still in the planning stage. If we can't infiltrate their brigades, then the next step is to figure out how to trap them on their way to their intended target. This is one of the most difficult types of suicide missions to stop. They're hell bent on destruction just for the sake of destruction. Lemming websites would have you believe that they are doing this because they are starving. And their websites try to make themselves and their actions sound morally acceptable because they are strict vegetarians. That's nonsense. They're not doing this out of desperation to feed their families. These lemmings are nothing more than nihilists. This is one insurgency we're going to win."

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