Written by misha marinsky
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Topics: Medical

Saturday, 7 January 2006

image for I Taught Myself To Scuba Dive
Back In The Hospital

ERIE MEDICAL CENTER - Hi! It's me again!

Well, I finally was released from the hospital. I don't have to use the crutches anymore, but I still need to use a cane. And I'm still sore. They gave me percocet to take at home, and boy, do I use a lot of it. I take two every hour, ‘cause if I don't I start to get real moody, and my legs start to feel like they did when I was in the hospital my first week.

The nurse told me I had to find an activity to strengthen my legs. I tried to ride a bicycle, but I couldn't keep my balance. I don't know if it's because I'm still recovering from all of those broken bones, or if it's the percocet. I really don't like staying in the house all day long, and I wanted to follow the nurse's instructions to keep moving around.

Oh, I almost forgot to tell you. That guy from the FAA came over to the house. Can you believe he was angry with me? I thought he was just going to tell me what I did wrong during my first self-taught lesson, so I don't do it again when I have my second lesson. When I told him that, he got red in the face!! When he was able to speak again, he told me I was never going to go near another airplane for the rest of my life. Then, he told me I'm on something called the "No Fly List" for life - whatever that is. I told him that's not fair. I only made one mistake during my first self-taught lesson, and all I needed was for someone to show me how to use the pedals, especially the brake pedal. The brake pedal on my Hyundai always works fine. Then I told him I wanted to visit my Aunt Sadie in San Diego, and how was I going to get there if they weren't going to let me fly on Air Tran? He asked me if I ever heard of Greyhound. Of course I've heard of Greyhound. Who hasn't? That was a stupid question.

Oh yeah, that's where I was. All of a sudden, it hit me - I'll bet I could teach myself to scuba dive. I've seen them on television and in the movies. So I got in my car and drove to a diving shop near me. I left the cane in the car, so I was limping a little when I walked into the store. I told the salesman to give me whatever I needed to go scuba diving. He asked me what class I was attending, and I told him I didn't need to go to a class - I could teach myself. He acted just like that FAA guy! He told me to get out of his store!

So I went home and practiced holding my breath underwater. I filled up the bathtub, and stuck my head in. After a few days, I got up to five minutes before I got dizzy. I knew I was ready. I just needed a suit like those divers wore. Since the store wouldn't sell me one, I put on all of my thermal underwear. Those diving suits are black, and my thermals are gray, but I thought close enough. Then I drove to a beach along Lake Erie, and dove right in.

I thought I was doing fine underwater, and I was even timing it with my watch. I don't know what happened, but I woke up in the same hospital as before. The nurse told me that because I went swimming with a cast on my leg, they had to put me in traction. The nurse wasn't nice like she was when I was here a week ago. I'll have to try something else when I get back home.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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