Amish Rebels in Iowa have issued a statement calling for Illinois to surrender all it's territory west of the Mississippi in exchange for the release of bicyclist Howard Johnson.
Fredrick Yoder, speaking through an interpreter called Mr. Johnson a spy and said that "in no uncertain terms Johnson would be punished for his evil ways!"
Officials are concerned for Mr. Johnson's health and believe he may be suffering from "Stockholm Syndrome", the notorious affliction in which captives start to identify with those who kidnapped them.
In propaganda drawings, hand delivered on slate tablets, Johnson appears pleasingly plump as he is shown eating baked beans and Shoo-Fly Pie. A note attached to one of the drawings, apparently in Mr. Johnson's handwriting, pleads with authorities not to try to rescue him anytime soon, "as I will be attending a Thresheree come Thursday next."