Written by William H. Lumpkin
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Topics: Economy, GOP, employment, Jobs

Thursday, 29 September 2011

image for GOP's new job plan is out of this world
"You are all clear for runway 86B12, if you can find it."

On the steps of the Lincoln Memorial, Speaker of the House John Boehner and Republican Minority Leader Mitch McConnel outlined their plan to stimulate the economy and create new jobs.

Among such controversial issues as not raising taxes on the uber-extra-spectacularly wealthy and instituting a tax on those plastic flamingos everybody seems to want in their yards, they stunned the audience with their biggest plan yet: a 6.4 billion project that would create an "interstellar airport" in the Mojave Desert.

"They are coming," Boehner said, "and we have to be ready for them."

"Have they been here before?" asked Richard Parish of CNN, disrupting the silence.

"Um--no," Boehner said before Parish was whisked away by an oddly misshapen security team.

The airport, which will cover nearly half (approximately 150,000 acres) of the Mojave, is set to be the largest airport ever conceived. It is projected to employee nearly 50,000 people, ranging from baggage carriers to shop employees to RHT (Radiation Hazard Technicians) whose main job it will be to determine if incoming flights and personnel fall within Human Radiation Safety Guidelines (HRSGs).

"This is a huge undertaking," Boehner said, "and will set a precedent for the rest of the world. When the invas-er-our stellar neighbors arrive, the United States will be the ones rolling out the red carpet. Metaphorically, of course. That would be one hell of a big carpet."

McConnel stated that funds for the project were already in place. When asked about specifics, he mumbled something about most families not needing "more than one room, anyway," then quickly ended the conference.

"It leaves a bad taste in my mouth," said Democratic Senator Jeff Bingham, spitting out a half-chewed bite of a spinach sandwich. "I'm sorry, what was the question?"

"There are still so many questions that need answers," Democratic Senator Tom Udall said. "For example, how long will it be until the aliens arrive? And who's to say they won't want to take the jobs of hard-working Americans, much less the rest of the world? How can we be sure in another thirty years we won't be getting technical support from Glorf?"

Udall also lamented that New Mexico, his home state, was not considered for the project.

"We have Roswell! You know--Roswell? Come on, people!"

Bystanders were also curious as to how the space travelers, if indeed they do come, would pay for the privilege of using the unnamed airport.

"I'm pretty sure they don't have American currency," one woman said. "What will they have? Gold? Diamonds? Precious metals? Small orbs filled with eldritch energy that can wipe your mind as soon as you look at it? Who knows? Maybe they'll be hoarders and just want to dump a bunch of their crap on us. You know, all the stuff they couldn't sell at their intergalactic garage sales? We could sell out our entire planet for what amounts to a handful of beans."

"Would serve you right," a Native American man said. Republicans looked confused. Democrats nodded somberly at his observation, but did nothing.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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