Big Bluff, Minnesota - If Michele Bachmann is elected president, "America" would become "Occupant," and the nation's economic woes would disappear, according to an announcement issued today by the Republican contender's campaign.
The name change is the key provision in Bachmann's plan to solve the country's debt crisis. "When you owe a lot of money like we do, I have found that the best thing to do is maintain a low profile," she explained. "If they can't find you, they can't collect, and pretty soon they forget all about it."
The Bachman plan calls it "the vanishing debt gambit": Renaming the country "Occupant," would effectively blind the pension funds, the Chinese government, and other investors in US bonds, when they try to cash out the trillions of dollars the United States owes them.
The Bachmann proposal would also acquire an unlisted phone number for America so that the nation could dodge harassing calls from collection agencies.
Bachmann pointed out that the debt crisis ideas reflect her unique abilities. "I have years more experience than the other candidates when it comes to being a deadbeat," she said.
Another key provision in Bachmann's economic recovery plan involves leveling the balance of trade with China.
"I would order an immediate ban on Chinese takeout," she declared. "We must go through millions of dollars in egg rolls alone every night. Americans should be eating American food. Excuse me, I mean Occupant food. Well-balanced meals mean well-balanced trade."
The candidate's economic plan also includes a job creation proposal. "When the illegal immigrants come here looking for work, whose filling the jobs they're leaving behind in Mexico?" Bachmann demanded.
"I say turnaround is fair play, and that we send our unemployed south of the border to steal those jobs and send back to their families the money they earn."
Bachmann was asked if today's rollout of her economic plan is designed to jumpstart her campaign, which has been mired of late in poor polling results and low visibility.
"You're only asking that because Chris Christie has begun throwing his weight around," she snapped. "To that I say, God bless the Bachmann campaign, and God bless Occupant."