Washington (Spoof News)-New Chief Justice John Roberts has picked up where his predecessor William Rehnquist left off, complaining vehemently, in writing, that pay for judges is "wholly, completely, and embarrassingly inadequate."
"If I had known what this job pays," said Roberts, "I would have told the President to take the job and shove it.
"Don't ask me why I didn't check out the pay ahead of time, OK? It's the Supreme Court for God's sake. I just assumed it'd be gravy.
"When I was clerking for Justice Rehnquist he used to bring a tuna sandwich in every day in a brown paper bag. That's all he ever ate. No little bags of chips or little cups of pudding even. And a glass of water-that's all he ever drank-that and coffee from the coffee maker in his office. One of my jobs was to make it for him.
"I always thought he was just a tightwad. Now I know better."
By Roberts' own calculations, even an immediate across the board 30% pay increase would only put the judges at a level of pay equivalent to what they were paid in 1959 (accounting for inflation).
Roberts called the current level of pay for judges "a direct threat to their financial independence" and noted District Court judges make the same as members of Congress-namely $162,500.
"You get what you pay for, America," said Roberts. "And I only have to point out the quality of our Legislative branch to cement my point.
"I could, practically speaking, make this much money as a manager of an Applebee's restaurant or a 16-plex Cinema. Assuming they get some kind of bonuses, that is."
Justice Roberts report also included an analysis of the Court's budget. "Our landlord, here at the Supreme Court, is none other than Mr. George W. Bush himself. You wanna know something? While on one hand they won't increase our overall budget, so that judges can be paid fairly, on the other hand they keep jacking up the rent. Every year. Federal Courts under my jurisdiction spent over $900 million on rent last year alone-but at the same time, the GSA came right out and said that it only cost the Executive branch $400 million to provide the office space.
"And the Supreme Court is almost an embarrassment. The damn carpet is thread-bare throughout the entire place, the doors don't close right half of the time and the plumbing is from the 1800s. The men's room smells like it hasn't been cleaned since Judges got their last raise. I wish Mr. Bush would take some of that $500 million profit he got from us last year and at least paint the damn place."