WASHINGTON, D.C.--The Pentagon is reeling today following spectacular military defeats in Iraq and Afghanistan which have seen the forcible expulsion of all American service members from those countries, mere hours after the repeal of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" came into effect.
"This is unprecedented," a visibly shaken General Odierno announced in an emergency press conference. "All fronts are reporting massive casualties and rapid retreats, with all non-essential equipment being abandoned on the field. At the present moment, we have zero effective troop presence in either Afghanistan or Iraq. All aircraft operating at the time of the ban being lifted have been lost, as have all ships at sea."
Militants in both occupied countries took advantage of the inherent disorder, chaos, and ineffectiveness of a military where soldiers were allowed to publicly acknowledge their same-sex attraction. Attacks on barracks, airfields, and command centers began within the hour of the repeal being enacted. Soldiers, incapable of mounting effective resistance knowing that any of their comrades could, without warning, admit he was gay, were forced to retreat.
Militant leader Muhammad al-Taqqia spoke to reporters outside of Kabul, which is now under the official control of the provisional government of al-Qaeda.
"An army that allows homosexuals to serve openly in its ranks? By Allah, when we heard the infidels were planning such a thing, we thought our ears deceived us. The wickedness and depravity of the imperialists has finally come to roost. As it was foretold, the curse of diversity and tolerance will strike down the enemies of Allah and His Prophet, peace be upon him."
The militants were undoubtedly helped by mass desertions of service members minutes after the ban was lifted; all of whom refused to continue fighting in a military that tacitly condoned an alternative lifestyle.
"Hell, I'd rather fight for the Taliban now, anyway," said a marine stationed in Afghanistan, who spoke on condition of anonymity. "At least I know I won't be sharing a cave with some butt pirate."
"We are unable to confirm at this time whether gay service members were actively aiding and abetting the enemy," commented General Odierno. "But we can say with little doubt that the ultimate breakdown in command can be traced to open and unrepentant members of the LGBT community within our ranks. Soldiers are now unsure when they hear "Fire in the hole!" or "Hit the dirt!" if their C.O. is hitting on them. Officers cannot know if their men are following their orders out of a sense of duty, or in an attempt to impress an attractive man. This is an internal collapse the likes of which we have never seen."
The disaster has confirmed what many in the media and the various service branches have been repeating for months, namely that a fighting force cannot acknowledge the existence of homosexuals within its ranks, else it will disintegrate from the top down.
"Little did we know that keeping homosexual service members in the closet was the only thing that made America's military such a force to behold," said military historian Ken Birthkau. "My God, what if homosexuals were openly serving at Bunker Hill, Gettysburg, or Omaha Beach? America as we know it would not exist."
A SEAL Team 6 member, whose name has been withheld for security purposes, told reporters that homosexuality had reduced his combat effectiveness to zero.
"Last week, this outfit was the premier fighting force on planet Earth. But at midnight Tuesday, it was like all everything just went out the window. What if the guy covering my six turns around to eye me up? What if my lieutenant starts speaking with a lisp? SEAL training prepares you for a lot, but not that."
While President Obama has not yet publicly commented, sources close to the president say he is thrilled that "[his] harebrained scheme to get us out of the Middle East worked."