Written by P.M. Wortham
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Tuesday, 20 September 2011

image for Bearded Man Spills Breakfast but Finds Car Keys
Felchman's car keys after significant cleaning

Horace Felchman, reformed Amish farmer turned general handy man was attempting to eat his breakfast at the Daisy Diner this morning only to have dropped a fork full of pancakes and pork sausage into his ample beard. Reaching in through the twisted facial wire and past the sticky syrup, Felchman surprisingly recovered his car keys which were reportedly lost for the past five days.

No longer part of the practicing Amish community, Felchman still admits that some of his previously banned luxuries like television, the internal combustion engine, and internet porn are hard to get used to. "Which led of course to losing my car keys", said Felchman. "I must have stuck 'em in there when my pockets were full, then forgot about 'em. Never had a car before". When asked about his subscription to internet porn, he replied, "No, no. I always remember my password. Location of my car keys? Different thing altogether".

Though Felchman keeps his beard length manageable at 18 inches, the width and density are remarkable. "It's a source of pride and a bother too", says Felchman. I can stand in the shower for a good 5 minutes before any water drips through the damn thing, but I always have a place to rest my snack plate when I recline in my La-Z-Boy."

After finding the keys, Felchman decided to dig a bit further into the jungle below his chin at the suggestion of his waitress, Beatrice Muldoon. Felchman was at first surprised, but then acquiesced to the side effects of his personal grooming choice. In the span of seven minutes, Felchman extracted three toothpicks, a quarter, a game token from Arnie's Amusements, a partially eaten pork rib (Memphis dry rub), two coffee spoons and a relatively perturbed female Nuthatch.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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