Written by P.M. Wortham
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Monday, 19 September 2011

image for Southeastern Waltmart Stores Crown Pink Spandex Beauty Queens for 2011
The 2011 Pink Spandex Awards

Wrapping up their annual summer coupon promotion for industrial strength feminine hygiene products, unbreakable mirrors and quart sized lip hair remover, Waltmart stores in the Southern US capped off the week long event by announcing this year's top three pink spandex beauty queens based on nomination at the check out lines.

Surprising some of the guest judges by their cumulative weight loss compared to 2010 winners, the three lovely ladies came in just under 1000 pounds in total, showing restraint over the previous year's winners who topped 1150 pounds. "They're still all pretty to me", says Wilber Thurson, head judge and full time tobacco co-op farmer from Alabama. "I like them kinda curves on a farm girl".

Granted, the curves Thurson speaks of are predominantly parabolic and convex, but the other judges seemed to agree. The 2011 husky winners were: Wilma Thurson (no relation according to Wilbur), Tiffany Harden, and the largest of the three women at 417 pounds, Miss Candy Kayne who also managed to cause an accident on her way into the store.

Spilling out of her one-piece crew neck pink spandex pink mini-skirt, Miss Kayne constantly had to pull the skirt down to cover her short and curly's. "I can still stop a truck when I wear this outfit", said Miss Kayne while primping her unwashed hair and tying it up into a pony tail with a garbage bag twist tie. "When I walked through that intersection, that trucker had no choice but to crash". Miss Kayne neglected to mention that the driver put out his own eyes with his on board electric cigarette lighter soon after the crash.

Billy Joe Waverly, independent fresh produce trucker, was reportedly so distracted by Kayne's pink motion that he swerved into a telephone pole. "The size of her rear end was mesmerizing", said Waverly who was also still bleeding from his darkened eye sockets. "It was decidedly awful, but mesmerizing. I swear to the Lord Almighty that it had its own gravitational pull. Insects seemed to be drawn to it like planets around the sun. OH GOD!". Waverly bent over suddenly, recalling the memory of it all, and tossed his cookies at the foot of the curb.

Kayne and the others took the event in stride and happily claimed their trophies. Winning fashions this year included the pink mini skirt with no panties and plenty of Grizzly fur, the pink spandex belly shirt with no bra, and the extra tight pink shorts with visible panties thank God, but still not enough material to mask the cottage cheese and billiard balls stuffed inside.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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