Written by Morgan Truce
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Topics: Police, Shooting

Sunday, 21 May 2006

image for Serial Killer Strikes Another Cell Phone User
The only known living survivor of the cell phone serial killer:

CLIFTON, New Jersey (AP) Clifton Police are investigating a shooting that took place outside a supermarket. "It appears this shooting might be linked to the string of cell phone shootings," said a detective. Since last March, a mysterious gunman has been attacking cell phone users all over the eastern United States. When the police arrive, what they usually find is a victim who was apparently shot while making a call on their cell phone. The cell phone is always found nearby with a bullet hole through it and the victim has a fatal wound to the side of the head. The serial killer seems to take aim right at the cell phone while the hapless victim is making a call.

The killer usually strikes without warning and in public. So far there have been twelve cell phone killings. Several witnesses have seen the serial killer take out his victim. In Atlanta a witness said, "There was this lady talking loudly on her cell phone about how she just parked her car--- you know, just the usual sort of unnecessary annoying cell phone call. Then all of a sudden this guy comes up and shoots her right through the cell phone into her head and walks away. I think this guy really has it in for people who chatter away on their cell phones. Maybe he's just pissed off about his cell phone bill… I don't know."

An Albany man was shot in the head through his cell phone last month. Several witnesses claimed that the killer looked very similar to the man in the Verizon advertisement which still appears on TV. FBI agents are zeroing in on the unemployed actor who once traveled around the country saying, "Can you hear me now?"


A Verizon spokesman said that the actor was fired after showing up for work on several occasions carrying a small revolver. "It's possible the guy just flipped out after saying, ‘Can you hear me now?' thousands of times."

Police are advising cell phone users to be cautious until the serial killer is apprehended. Some important tips were given on "America's Most Wanted":

(1) Don't blab on your cell phone in public.

(2) Wear a Kevlar helmet when placing calls.

(3) Don't hold your cell phone so close to your face.

(4) If you see that Verizon guy, don't ask him if he can hear you now.


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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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