TUCSON, Arizona--Davis-Monthan Air Force Base was on lockdown Friday as authorities investigated "suspicious activity." This was upgraded to "extremely suspicious and downright dangerous activity" when it was determined that an armed man was holed up in one of the base buildings.
This status was upgraded once more to "ludicrous behavior with inactivity" after the gunman made known his demands after several hours of a lockdown that has prevented people from leaving or entering the base.
Air Force Tech. Sgt. Martin Russell announced the demands to the media outside an entrance of the base, stating, "The man in question has asked that three wishes be filled before he agrees to hand over his weapon.
"First off, the man in question wants a guarantee that the Arizona Cardinals will win it all this year as the franchise hasn't one a championship since 1947.
"Second, he wants to have a beer with President Obama at the White House just like the recipient of the Medal of Honor did.
"Three, he would like people to stop saying that Arizona has a serious gun problem like few other states."
Asked which of the three demands was most likely to come to fruition, Russell replied, "None of them. We have a much better chance of shooting the bastard dead."