AUSTIN - The state of Texas is experiencing the worst drought in fifty years as hundreds of windswept wildfires have burned a total of 3.7 million acres.
Governor Rick Perry has taken time out from the GOP presidential campaigning to return to Austin to issue a brand new mandated state directive.
Speaking before a crowd of 900 that had gathered at a local Burger Bandit where customers were taking advantage of the restaurants 'Buy a Burger Get a Burger and Some Cheese Whiz-Stuffed Jalapeno Torpedoes Free' promotion, Perry said that effective immediately he was banning the smoking of cigarettes in the entire state of Texas.
The crowd roared in thunderous applause but there were a few scattered boos here and there but Perry's Texas Rangers quickly walked over to the booers and led them off the restaurant property and into waiting Texas Department of Public Safety patrol cars.
Perry said that contrary to what a dumbass reporter for FOX News had reported none of the more than 3,000 fires that have occurred in Texas this year have been caused by lightning.
The governor explained that in order for there to be lightning, there has to be a thunderstorm, and in order for there to be a thunderstorm there has to be rain, and he added that there just hasn't been any damn rain in Texas at all this year.
Perry made it very clear that if the reporter, who has since been identified as Rixby Kedrow Pluckershank, 29, of Poughkeepsie, New York, cell phone number [DELETED BY EDITOR] dares to set foot anywhere in the Lone Star state he will get his stupid ass arrested.
The governor added that Pluckershank will be tossed in the nearest jail where he will personally visit him and spit in the sumbitch's face after which he will have two of the biggest, meanest guards each grab one of his arms and play what folks in Texas like to refer to as a good old-fashioned game of Good Ol' Boy Tug-of-War.
The governor was asked what he plans on doing to anyone caught violating his smoking ban directive. He grinned, laughed a little, shook his head, and said that he did not really want to say since there are no doubt little impressionable children and some elderly folks listening.
But he did comment that he strongly believes that after everyone sees what happens to the very first violator any Texans who are addicted to smoking will eagerly either drive up north to Oklahoma, drive out west to New Mexico, drive east to Louisiana, drive northeast to Arkansas, or drive down south to Mexico to partake in their cigarette addiction.
[EDITOR'S NOTE: I was extremely curious and so I called up Governor Perry and I asked him if he could tell me what he planned on doing to the smoking ban violators. He said that he is seriously thinking about taking the very first violator and in full public view personally tasering him or her in the crotch.]