Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Friday, 16 September 2011

image for Newt Gingrich Says He Is Tired of Being Referred To As The Big Old Cabbage Patch Doll
Leavenworth, Kansas is noted throughout the country for Leavenworth Lolita's Barbecued Burgers & Hot Dogs Diner.

LEAVENWORTH, Kansas - Newt Gingrich's GOP Whiter Than White Bus Tour pulled into the home of the infamous Leavenworth Federal Prison as well as the home of Leavenworth Lolita's Barbecued Burgers & Hot Dogs Diner.

Gingrich speaking to a crowd that had assembled in the parking lot of Leavenworth Lolita's Diner told them that he wants them to vote for him so that he can get the country back on the road to economic recovery. The crowd cheered out "WE-WANT-NEWT!"

He then said that he wants to get the nation back on the highway to financial security and again the crowd, estimated to be between 19 and 23 people hollered out in unison "WE-WANT-NEWT!"

Gingrich then took a sip from a bottle of Charles de Cazanove Stradivarius Champagne and a bite of his escargot tofu and told the crowd that he wants to get the nation to stop eating burgers and hot dogs and instead start eating healthier foods like mushroom stuffed jellyfish quiche, artichoke spinach dipped in cream of tartar, and pomegranate eggplant pitas. The crowd looked at each other in stunned disbelief.

No one said a word. And then one little old blue haired lady, who looked to be at least 91 yelled out, "Say there onion head, we want you to take your high falutin champagne and your snail shit and get your big fat Cabbage Patch looking ass back on the bus and get on out of our burgers and hot dog town you arrogant, sarcastic, stuffed shirt sumbitch!"

And with that Gingrich picked up his cardboard box of Gingrich in '12 bumper stickers and got back on his bus and headed towards the Missouri state line and hopefully nicer, more understanding crowds.

As his Whiter Than White Tour Bus was leaving the Leavenworth city limits Gingrich whispered to a campaign aide that he is getting tired of being referred to as the big old Cabbage Patch Doll and that he intends to file a written complaint with the Hasbroken Toy Company.

In other news. Argentina's plans to invade Holland have been put on hold due to the ongoing National Llama Cloning Scandal.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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