Until last week Springdale, Ohio was just like any other American mid west town complete with its own Walmart. Now it finds itself at the centre of a media and political sensation. The reason for all this, the restless spirit of Osama Bin Laden has not only been seen throughout the mall, he's been sniffed out as well. And to prove it all he's even been captured on security cameras.
Vince Cordoba, manager of Dun-kin' Donuts was the first to witness the ghost of Bin Laden." I was clearing the till around 10PM when I look up and what do I see? I'll tell you what I was seeing, a transparent, ghostly Bin Laden checking out the Vanilla Cocoa Kreme donuts. I mean what the...? I gave a double take, man I thought they'd all gone. They're our best seller ya' know. I told him we'd shut up shop but he refused to leave. Then what does he do? He kinda floats over to the coffee machine and makes himself a Cappuccino. Now he was bustin' my balls! I told him there and then that's American coffee, you'd better get lost real quick before I call in the Seals. Ain't to sure if it was sulphur or shit but that's what I was smelling as he vanished."
Jada Jones, owner of LA Hair & Nails, got the shock of her life whilst cleaning up the shop floor one night. " I was on my knees trying to scrape some gum off the floor, when I look up I see two ghostly feet pointing right at me, like they're waiting for a pedicure. I got real scared, even my hair extensions began to shake. I slowly raised my head and holy-moly! There was Bin Laden's face staring right down at me. I nearly passed out in pure terror. Then I got a whiff of his feet and oh my good God! I did pass out. Now everyone's talking about it a few of my regulars said that they don't believe me. They think I'm just trying to drum up some more business."
Luckily for Jada and a number of other shoppers who passed out or ran screaming when they encountered Bin Laden's ghost, Security camera's have captured a number of definite images of the evilest (dead) person in the (other) world. One image shows Bin Laden getting to grips with a Yo-Yo. Another shows his ghostly presence in a Computer store trying to surf the web. And one distinctly shows Bin Laden's spirit ordering a burger and fries.
Burger king assistant manager Brad Leys says " I couldn't believe my eyes. Bin Laden's ghost just drifted on up to the counter and then he ordered Halal Goat burger and fried plantains. I told him we don't do Halal, only Kosher and we got no goat burgers. He looked real upset. Then he rose up above the counter, hovering in mid air and passed straight into the kitchen. Slimy rag-head went to help himself!"
Security cameras at the Microhard computer store caught Bin Laden's ghost surfing the web. Shocked manager Jay Patel recalls " When I reviewed security footage and saw Bin Laden's ghost on the latest Macbook Pro my contact lenses popped out! I don't think he's having a very good time in the afterlife. I logged on and found an invoice for 72 mail order brides."
Senator Rob Portman stepped in and demanded the immediate closure of the mall until
"his evil presence has been extinguished from the face of the earth and the underworld" calling in the US military to help. Portman pleaded to the NSA, CIA, DIA and various other alphabet soup Black Op Government conglomerates to fight " this evil menace on American soil." The American Muslim community in Ohio, 6 members and counting, called for a peaceful solution to the crisis declaring that " our spirits have the death given right to roam the (under)world."
Last night the Vatican stepped in, offering the use of it's top ten Exorcists (finalist's from the hit TV show Vatican Idol) in the fight against terror. Cardinal Luca Borgia said " our priests will enter Walmart at night, armed with bottled holy water ( natural and sparkling), silver crucifixes and Gregorian chants to banish his evil spirit to the depths of hell for an eternity." It is also rumored that US Defense contractors are working on a Holy smart bomb to extinguish Bin Laden's soul for good. Sources claim General Peter North has promised to " throw in a couple of Holy IED's, Christian grenades and Jesus Bazookas and wipe Bin Laden off the face of the universe."
TV Evangelist Larry Newhart is already negotiating a pay per view deal with HBO that will see him enter Walmart and "rid the people of this demon." Larry added "I'm gonna enter that stinking mall of evil all alone and use all my powers, all of Gods powers, all of Jesus's powers, all the Christian power in the world that's been bestowed upon me and cleanse, yes, cleanse and purify Walmart of this evil demonic entity. All I need is seventy dollars from each and every one of you so I can fund this power surge of Christian faith and righteous judgement. A small price to pay to rid the God protected states of America from this ghostly, terrorist, evil scum. Praise the Lord!"
Humanitarian and pro-Ghost groups have decried the Religious response. Jeff Mann of Ghost Right says, " Leave the guy alone, he's dead already. Besides what's the point of delivering him to hell when he spent years holed up in a compound with not one or two, but three wives and several kids then ended up with a bullet hole in the head. Sounds like hell to me." Republicans have weighed into the debate declaring that the existence of Osama's ghost disproves any conspiracy theories about Bin Laden still being alive. Senator Powell Rogers said " at least we know he's really dead for sure. I was worried that Bin Laden's corpse at sea mixing it up with the BP oil spill and all that Fukushima radioactivity would create some kinda zombie terroist. But we can all sleep safe for now.. err .. unless you live in Ohio."
The once quiet, non-descript town Of Springdale finds itself in the middle of a frenzy and the locals are milking it for what it's worth. From the usual 'I saw Bin Laden's Ghost & survived' mugs and t-shirts to a limited edition minted lamb Osama BK Whopper to local bootleggers selling 'Bin Ladens Spirit' - alcohol free liqour, everyone it seems is on the act. Our reporter even spotted Bin Laden faced Terror-wrist watches and Jihadidas sneakers. Local psychics also claim to be in touch with Bin Laden's spirit and some claim he is simply on a 'metaphysical vacation exploring the sights of the Underworld.' But others such as Joss Blue Feather insist that " his soul is damned to roam the earth for an eternity. He may be dead, but he sure ain't gone."
The most bizarre product to be inspired by this ghostly episode is an Adult film. Lance Ricks, owner of XXX video rentals, two blocks down from Walmart says
" Bin Laden drifted in here the other night. He wanted some poppers and anything with virgins in it. I laughed at first. I mean how many virgins you gonna find in a porn shop? But then I got thinking, this was his turn on, his thing.. I mean we all got our thing, right. So in memory of his visit I burnt a DVD of all my favorite adult scenes and called it 72 Virgins -- Osamas' Fresh Ass "
As Walmart closes down for another night, crowds of ghost hunters, tourists, media and Government agents descend upon the mall, blocking roads and jamming sidewalks, in the hope of catching a glimpse of Bin Laden's ghost. Whatever the outcome one thing is for sure, dead or not, Bin Laden's still causing mayhem.