New research has verified what so many people have already known: SpongeBob SquarePants is Public Enemy Number One.
The researchers from the Ivy League College of Whatsa Matta U. have found that kids who watch SpongeBob SquarePants end up with a really warped sense of reality which rivals that of the US Congress.
Kids who watch the show, have a tendency to shun reading, writing and logical thought and have unrealistic aspirations of living under the sea and happily working for a burger joint that that is run by a fat red guy with four legs, two claws and two really weird looking eyes that stick way out of his head.
SpongeBob SquarePants' best friend is a dim witted guy named Patrick who has a pointed cone shaped head, and, while possessing arms and legs has no hands and feet and yet has no problem walking or opening doors. Both Patrick and SpongeBob, spend euphoric days together running about and catching jellyfish. The fact that they haven't had the crap stung out of them is absolutely amazing, and come to think of it, really odd.
What really takes the cake is SpongeBob's neighbor, Mr. Squid who has a head so big that it makes ET's head look like a cue ball, as well as eight legs and no arms. And yet, somehow Mr. Squid can operate a cash register.
You go figure.
"Honestly!" Exclaimed head researcher Jerry Dumbfounded. "This SpongeBob guy has spent ten plus years destroying our education system".
"Think about this: SpongeBob arrived in this country in March of 2001. When did Al Qaida hit the World Trade center?"
"You tell me what's going there!"
The People for Ethical Treatment of Snails (PETS) are protesting the fact that SpongeBob has been neglecting his pet snail Gary, who never seems to get fed on any of the episodes. PETS, believes that the lack of nourishment has been a factor in Gary's strange and perverted looking appearance.
You know, for once I have to agree with the animal rights group. Gary does look really fucking weird for a snail.