Written by Patrick Ryan
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Thursday, 15 September 2011

Chad Ellington wished all his life he could be beautiful -- and forty cosmetic surgeries later his wish has come true. The new Ellington is not only beautiful, aesthetically-speaking, but he now wishes his ugly former compatriots would leave him alone. "I'm not one of you," he insists.

Ellington, 31, says his lifelong brush with ugliness was a "near miss," genetically speaking, and not his fault: he would have been born beautiful except for an ugly relative.

"One great-grandparent on my mother's side kept me from having a symmetrical face," he says.

Genetics-be-damned, Chad sought out cosmetic specialists as soon as he could afford them.

"No amount of money was going keep me from looking beautiful."

"Chad was extremely... unfortunate when he walked into our clinic," said Dr. Sarah Mitchell of Classy Cosmetic Solutions. "We took one look at him and knew he was a million-dollar keeper."

A 'million-dollar keeper' is cosmetic parlance for a near-hopeless candidate.

Ellington would undergo countless surgeries, including a sow's-purse transplant from a live animal to keep his face from sliding further into the abyss. During recovery, Ellington spent 30 days in front of a mirror.

Afterward, he was let loose in a nearby Walmart.

Why Walmart?

"It was important that, psychologically-speaking, he tower head and shoulders over the victimized-looking individuals that troll [that store]," says Dr. Mitchell. "After all, why go through all that hassle without some sort of positive feedback?"

Relatives and former classmates were stunned to learn that the Adonis maneuvering a cart in front of them was Chad Ellington, aka "Barf Boy" from High School (and grade school).

"Kill me now," said Kim Barnes of Jefferson High, class of '98, and former stalker-victim of Ellington. "I still recognize him underneath that pretty face."

Ellington is having none of it, and is suing anyone that looks at him askance.

"If you are ugly, please keep your comments to yourself, even though I know you can't," he said. "Therefore I will sue you. And if you are gorgeous, well, here is my number."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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