Written by Lyndon
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Tuesday, 13 September 2011

image for Federal Government's suggestion to the homeless: move away from cold cities
Buddy "Diamonds" Dunn of Harfold, VT: "I'm gonna find me a dog and stay in Vermont just to piss off Dormats."

WASHINGTON, D.C.--Times are tough, according to a report today. With 15.1% of the U.S. population now living in poverty, homelessness is becoming an option for more people.

More and more people can't pay the rent with low-paying jobs. The car's been long gone. Credit cards--many indebted people figure they might as well forget about them as these bills will never get paid off.

With doom and gloom lingering, Robert D. Dormats, the Under Secretary for Economic, Energy and Agricultural Affairs, issued a statement to those considering homelessness.

"We feel it's prudent for anyone in the northern United States who is considering homelessness to begin a move to the south. Why stick around where it's colder than hell?"

The Under Secretary noted that countless homeless people over the years have senselessly chosen icy cold cities in which to live such as Seattle, Chicago, Pittsburgh, Philadelphia and New York City.

"People sitting on manhole covers," said Dormats, "and underground grates and getting high every night just to avoid the cold. Move to Southern California or Arizona, for example. Or Texas. Florida is also an option."

In a report released this week, the Federal Government laid out a plan whereby a homeless person could begin now, mid-September, and be in the South by mid-October.

Although Dormats did not address Mexico, the report does. Mexico is listed as a viable place in which to become homeless due to a lower cost of living and the favorable average temperatures throughout the year.

Dormats, a self-proclaimed dog lover, addressed the homeless and pets, stating, "Another thing I wouldn't do--suddenly find a dog. Why do that to an animal? So you're homeless. Why are you going to make some dog homeless, too?

"You might become homeless, but don't become stupid."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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