Written by Ellie James
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Friday, 9 September 2011

image for Westerham Heights Man Dies in Sloth Attack
These aren't sloths. Obviously!

London - The ZSL London Zoo has confirmed that Taber Hemingway was killed quite viciously by sloths. Zoo security and Scotland Yard are still investigating what happened exactly. The security tapes in the Rain Forrest section of the zoo caught the attack.

"We are not quite sure how Mr. Hemingway met his demise as the nature of sloths are such, that, humans could escape their attack easily," stated head zoo keeper Liam Johns.

Zoo security are still combing through the year long footage of the attack to see if perhaps Hemingway provoked the sloths in some manner. Captain Styles of Scotland Yard has confirmed that the attack was a year in the making and that Hemingway at some point was slowly scratched on his face making him fall down and lay face up on the floor of the enclosure.

At that point, Hemingway laid there breathing and mumbling to himself. Seven days later, the sloths had climbed out of their trees and perched upon Hemingway's chest. Days after that, one of the sloths inched closer to his face and then began to dig into his wounds while the other one sat on his face and pulled out his hair strand by strand for what seemed like weeks. Again, Hemingway did nothing.

The exact cause of Hemingway's death is still a mystery. Officials have come to several conclusions that could have been the exact cause of death. "Perhaps it was gangrene from the scratches. Or, perhaps he just died of boredom since it was such a slow attack," said Johns.

"Hemingway himself was slow as a sloth," said Cedric Jameson, the head lion keeper, "Nothing personal, its just he kept to himself that one. Seemed to resent being stuck with the ruddy sloths all the time."

Officials are looking for anything suspicious they can find in the tapes. Chief Inspector for Scotland Yard's Animal Control unit said, "In one tape he seemed to be having a staring contest with one of the older males, it was several hours long. Could it be it he unhinged a sloth? Bloody 'ell."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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