The White House was today forced to issue a statement in a bid to silence rumors that the US used a Predator trophy assassin in order to finally "get" Bin Laden, found hiding in a stronghold in Pakistan.
Sources close to the President are said to have urged him to respond in a desperate attempt to end the speculation that America had outside help in finally bringing the Super Villain to justice.
Alusian Mepantz, an aid to the White House said in a press statement yesterday:
"In no way shape or form did the United States Military, have any kind of assistance, in any way shape or form, in the capture and execut...um elimination of Osama Bin Laden. In any way shape or form. Not of which I am aware at this time. I hope this answers your questions"
However, instead of quelling the endless speculation it merely intensified as a result. Whilst the President prepared his speech to address the nation, the Republican party wasted no time, and issued the following press statement:
"We have long suspected that the current President is in breach of an Inter Stellar Resolution, which forbids that any kind of aliens or residents not born of this Earth, are not permitted to engage in aggressive militant behavior against any citizen of the Earth. This is clearly outlined in section 3/7 appendix J of the Inter Stellar Trilateral Resolution Treaty."
At this point, after hustling himself to the front, Spoof hack Skoob managed to ask the following question:
"You have said that if these allegations are true, then you would ask that appropriate action be taken against the current Administration. But how do you explain the capture of Saddam Hussein?"
"The capture of Saddam Hussein was a joint operation between the US Military, and the last 20 champions of the World Hide and Seek Olympics. All of the champions, we can confirm, were American Citizens, Patriots, and mostly Felons and Tax evaders. They knew what it was like for the US authority's to be on their back... so they were able to think as Saddam would. When you think about it, the circumstances are very similar."
But this was not enough to stop the barrage of questions from the news pit. Spoof hack Colonel Juan asked:
"What do you say to reports that the Republican Party and George Bush was constantly in touch with Aliens? And faeries, and the odd little man that used to live in the skirting boards. Or the one in the Tea - Pot?"
The representative declined to comment, and left the room.
The current diplomatic crisis gathered pace after leaked documents were linked to Spoof Editor Mark, whom has been summoned to an official inquiry, but he denies any link to the wiki leaks scandal. Piss Off He said:
"Its true. I did visit Julian Assuange at his house for Christmas. But all we did was play X-Box and drink Newcastle Brown Ale. And no, I didn't inhale. I don't want to speak about it. I could get into a lot of trouble. I shouldn't have to put up with you lot taking the piss out of me in the office every Monday morning in the first place. Sending me e-mails and clogging up my inbox. Now piss off and find a real story."
Maybe we will Mark, if and when you finally pay us.
The controversy gathered speed following an eye witness statement from local Pakistani residents, near to where Osama was discovered.
Ellis n Fields, a local shopkeeper said:
" It was the strangest thing. My grandfather told me about this. It only happens in the very hottest summers, where there is much conflict. My village have a name for this demon. Translated it means "the daemon that makes trophy's of men." And this has been a hot summer."
Queen Mudder however, chairman of the conspiracy group "We Dont Believe You And Your Full Of Shit" WDBYAYFOS for short, gave the following insight. She said:
"Its been well documented that the assassination crew arrived by stealth. This is a well known calling card for the Predator race. Its possible there were more than one. Nobody can confirm anything except that a wrecked Black Hawk was discovered. This is typical of the US defense decision making process. They obviously knew the Predator was after Bin Laden, but by the time they arrived the job was done. They wanted to steal the lime light. The predator probably shot down the black hawk with Shoulder Mounted High Impact Thermal Thermite Warheads. There are evidence and reports available to back this theory"
But what really happened on the ground? And who killed the elite Seal Force that killed Bin Laden?
We asked local Rebel Philbert Of Macedamia. He said:
"I was there when the crew of the Bin laden Operation were shot down in there HeliChopter. As the reports said, it was definitley a heat seeking missile. But it was wierd. It was as if the desert came alive and took them! The next thing was a huge rumbling, and a huge spacecraft erupted from the sand, and shot into the sky, Its tail was brighter than a thousand suns! There is talk of building a new motorway usining the trench left by its take off!"
But is it enough to listen to eye witnesses, or do we need a more scientific opinion? The Spoof asked its very own medical expert Lynton to give his professional opinion. He said:
"Given the circumstances I would not rule out the possibility that Bin Laden was killed by an outside, possibly ET, assassin. The very fact that the body was not presented for medical examination, would suggest that the cadaver had suffered massive trauma. This would fall directly inline with what we know about the Predator race. It is not beyond reason that Bin Laden's corpse had been skinned, with his head and spinal cord being removed as a Trophy. If this is the case, as i believe it is, than we will never know the truth for sure."
MD Erskin Quint backed this theory. He said:
"If this really is a Trophy seeking Predator, that makes sense. Lets hope the pricks skull is doing the rounds in a spaceship, gliding round the Alpha Centurai system. Come on America...wheres your imagination?"
Top text from our online survey went to Paddy05. He said:
" I dont believe a word of it Masheded"
Next weeks Spoof: Is the Peadator really an Ex Us Marine, trained by NASA, and raised to hate Al Queda?