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Wednesday, 7 September 2011

image for Outrage as Cocks*cking is Banned in Dorking
'Put a Cock in it!' Poultry pastime facing extinction...

In a controversial move that is sure to arouse fierce opposition, Dorking Council have passed a motion to ban a millennia-old folk tradition amongst the inhabitants of the genteel Surrey town.

"We'll take this outrageous decision to the European Court of Human Rights," said council opposition leader Percy Feelth.

"The annual Cocksocking Festival has been a cultural oasis for this community since time immemorial. There's firm archeological evidence that early forms of Cocksocking was being practiced by our ancestors in pre-Roman Britain, long before more established and accepted folk traditions such as Morris Dancing."

Headless chickens...

The ban follows concern from animal rights groups that distress is caused to the fowl as their combs are dressed in socks - or 'given head' as it is termed - and when they are then chased around the town until the hosiery are removed - or the cocks are 'socked off', as it is known.

"I've been socking cocks for over sixty years and no blinking Health and Safety council is going to stop me." said sprightly pensioner Phyllis Spong. "I also hold the record for socking the biggest cock," she says proudly, "Even though it brought tears to my eyes for days after."

Councillor Feelth says that they have appealed to the Minister for Culture, Jeremy Hunt. "Jezza's well known to be an an ardent cocksocker," enthuses Cllr. Feelth, "So much so that even the Ministry HQ is in Cockspur Street, London."

Cock, Sock and Two Smoking Carols...

"We've had messages of support flooding in from all over the world, opposing this ban," he says. "From respected writer L.E. James in Texas, who herself is fighting a clampdown on their local tradition of Catfish-noodling and from Sidney Bolleaux in Australia, where they are fighting for their right to continue the ancient Aboriginal pastime of Wombat-fondling."

Until the ban is lifted though, it seems that the proud Cocksockers of Dorking will just have to grin and bear it, with the only other annual event, the 'Christmas Colostomy-Bag-Tweak-Week' in December to look forward to.

More as it leaks...

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