Written by queen mudder
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Tuesday, 6 September 2011

image for Hopes fade for Tasty Droitwich Harvest Festival 2011
Scenes of devastation outside the Vines Park brassica allotments

Worcestershire - Autumn gales have battered the ancient Spa town famous for its Dead Sea-comparable salinity and carnal - er..canal! - marina developments.

This morning 75mp gusts decimated the local allotment society's show gardens sending several hundredweight of ripening vegetables crashing into the town's disused Victorian brine baths.

Myriad cabbages, cucumbers, runner beans and RHS gold medal-nominated leeks were seen flying through the air as vicious westerly thermals struck during the rush hour.

At one point police even considered declaring a state of emergency as a dazzling panopoly of Vines Park resident Mr Arthur Blossom's autumn-fruiting raspberries tore through the High Street.

The bumper crop - rumored by rivals to be the direct result of some highly unorthodox pollination by 'Africanised' killer bees during the June/July solar eclipses - eventually plastered crucial broadcasting facilities at the Wychbold BBC transmitter, jamming the signal on the medium to longwave spectrum.

"Don't blame the West Mercia Mistral," Barney Cullfeather, head of the Droitwich Allotment Society's disaster appeal committee told reporters at lunchtime.

"We took a massive hit in the 2007 flooding and recovery has been slow.

"But today's storm looks like a direct offshoot of that Hurricane Irene business in the Colonies, which hopefully qualifies ruined Festival exhibitors for some of Mr Obama's emergency relief fund."

However not everyone is devastated by today's extreme weather damage amid reports that the Allotment Society's Polish branch may mount a hurried rescue at the brine baths site.

"Think of it as an impromptu picking facility for our gherkin and sauerkraut exhibits later this year," Ludmilla Kraszczenko noted with glee.

December's Winter Show may now save the day.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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