Written by Percival
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Monday, 5 September 2011

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The tradition of Snatch Clapping has been totally outlawed in Grimsby town centre. This ancient fertility ritual was introduce to the British Isles 1200 years ago by marauding Vikings. The first recorded incidence of Snatch Clapping was recorded in 936 AD. Brundwelld Clonk Wode'Shitter clapped his first snatch on the north eastern coast of present day England. The records show that Brundwelld had found himself in hostile foreign territory. In a desperate act of communication with these strange island primitives. Brundwelld filled with the hope of reunion with his fellow clans men, inadvertently disclosed one of the closest guarded secrets in the ancient Viking world.

Once experienced, the ritual of Snatch Clapping took hold through the whole of the British Isles. In less than a generation the whole of present day Britain had adopted the practice. Every aspect of life in pre-Norman Britain had been infused with the tradition of Snatch Clapping. Some Anthropologist have attributed Britain's escape from the full effects of the Black Death, to the practice of Snatch Clapping. Other theoreticians on the outskirts of modern academic thought. Have claimed the practice of Snatch Clapping to be the sole cultural seed, from which the whole British Judicial system draws its principals, and traditions.

In modern times Snatch Clapping has receded to more traditional outposts of the United Kingdom. Grimsby was one of the last areas which remained loyal to Snatch Clapping. The post industrial practice popular in Grimsby, displays clear evidence of the various stages of cultural evolution, Snatch Clapping has been subjected to over the centuries. Initially a fertility rite for interested males, with a preference for group sexual practices, and cold meats. East coast fishermen in the middle ages, discovered Snatch Clapping's ability to increase their seasonal haddock yields. This heralded the advent of industrial Snatch Clapping. Based on the idea that like attracts like, the Haddock were fooled into believing they had found a short cut to their ancient spawning grounds. With the advent of modern G.P.S systems, and Labial expansion grants, the population of Haddock decreased dramatically over the twentieth century. The toll taken on north eastern fishing communities was one of the primary reasons for the complete cessation of Industrial Snatch Clapping in the mid 90's. This coupled with the advent of Icelandic Fiorde Feltching, signalled the end of this well established tradition in British Fishing towns.

In the years that followed, increasing unemployment, and a swelling young population, brought up on the stories of the great North Eastern Snatch Clappers. Created fertile ground for unscrupulous night clubs to hold Snatch Clapping Face Offs. Undaunted by persistent police intervention, and the advent of Brazilian bikini styles, Snatch Clapping went under ground. Spawning its own music scene, and pornography industry. Sitting on multiple generations of Snatch Clapping Fish Monger heritage. The teenagers of Grimsby had carved out their own unique place in modern British youth culture. A hard core of self styled Snatchers, could be identified by the unique symbols of their underground movement. Until today snatchers could be seen walking down Grimsby town centre, adorned with Bella Emberg T-shirts, low slung jeans, Hattie Jacques tattoos, and Vanessa Felts dumbbells. The larger Grimsby community lived in a state of perpetual fear. Waiting for the next impromptu stand off between two opposing Snatcher gangs.

Now completely outlawed some social commentators have expressed their concerns, about the impact this kind of prohibition will have on a generation of disaffected youths. A regional Parliamentary committee has been created to oversee this delicate transition period.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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