Residents of Worthing were left in a state of shock and awe today, after a gay dog ran amok on Worthing seafront, trying to pump up any dog unfortunate enough to cross its path. Witnesses described the dog as 'a big brindle type thing with short stubby legs, a broad back, a long pink tongue, and a face like a blind cobbler's thumb.'
They also said that the hound 'panted a lot' - which is hardly surprising, given the randy mutt's stamina levels.
The alarm was first sounded at lunchtime, when local resident, Nina Pickersgill, 76, was walking her Afghan hound, Nero, when it came under attack from the rampantly gay dog.
"It just jumped up on Nero's back and started pumping away like a mad thing," Mrs Pickersgill revealed. "It reminded of our Sidney when he was in his prime. Proper shocking it was. I tried to shoo the dirty bugger off, but it just stared at me - looked me right in the eye it did - and carried on pumping away like the clappers. Poor old Nero is in a right state. Keeps cocking his leg up and casting rueful glances at his ravaged bum. They should shoot that bloody gay dog if you ask me."
It seems that the gay dog wasn't satisfied with rogering Nero senseless - he then went on to attack a red setter, pumping the poor pooch into a state of oblivion, and to within an inch of its life.
The gay dog then went on to attack a poodle, a schnauzer, a border collie, two Alsatians and a pug.
Outraged locals demanded immediate action.
"This kind of thing has to be nipped in the bud," Reg Topliss, 84, a retired artist's model said angrily. "It's going down the bloody pan these days is Worthing. It was bad enough with all the scantily clad MILF's parading around showing off their bits, and the mobility scooter mafia causing all manner of bleedin' mayhem - now we've got a gay dog to contend with. It's just not on. If it gets any worse, I shall have to give serious consideration to upping sticks and moving somewhere a bit less hectic - like Littlehampton. And yes, it really is that bad."
More as we get it.