Written by Joe Leff
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Saturday, 3 September 2011

The government plans to restrict the sale of alcohol to Mondays only. This is in response to widespread evidence that people drink far less alcohol on Mondays compared to any other day of the week.

"This 'Mondays only' restriction is a radical step - but it should result in a massive reduction in alcohol-related problems," said a government spokesman.

Surprisingly, most pubs are in favour of this proposal. "Mondays are usually very quiet," said one Doncaster publican. "This should help to boost our Monday business."

Some drinkers also see this as a positive move. "We never usually drink on Mondays," said Jack Thayladd from Rotherham. "Mondays are usually crap, anyway. It'll be a nice change. I'm quite excited about it."

Government scientists will monitor the situation closely. When Mondays start to become 'peak' drinking days, they will then restrict alcohol sales to Tuesdays only. And when Tuesday drinking becomes problematic, Wednesday will be the nominated day for the sale of alcohol. And so on.

Such restrictions might also vary from region to region. Eventually people will say: 'It's no use going to the pub for a drink - you never know which days they're open and which days they're closed.'

"This is our long-term aim," said the government health minister. "People will give up alcohol altogether, rather than struggle with all the frustrations of trying to remember which licensed premises are open on which day of the week."

"Even without formal interventions we've already got this 'uncertain opening' schedule in most rural pubs across the country. And alcohol researchers have recently reported findings showing that rural drinkers consume far less than urban boozers - further evidence that we are on the right lines with this new alcohol policy."

Religious commentators reckon that this is better than elongating Lent.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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