Following an exhaustive investigation by researchers from Titchfield University, it can be revealed that the culprit behind the savage mauling of a family's pet dachshund, Wayne, in a Hampshire back garden, has been exposed as the family's pet tortoise, Shelley.
Up until now, it has been generally believed that tortoises enjoy a strictly vegetarian diet, but Shelley quickly shot that notion down.
During the course of the investigation, researchers pored over hundreds of hours of CCTV footage, shot in the back garden of local, elderly couple, Timothy and Canberra Chuzzlewit, in nearby Hamble Le Rice.
To their horror, the researchers were able to immediately identify the offender, in a discovery which has turned the Hampshire scientific community on its arse.
"I couldn't believe my eyes," one told Skoob News. "The footage showed what appeared to be a pleasant summer day, with the dachshund relaxing on the back lawn...and then came the problematic bit. The dog got up, and ambled over to Mr Chuzzlewit's bicycle, where it started to cock its leg up, after turning around in circles for approximately seventy six seconds, when the tortoise comes steaming out of the garden shed, and bites into one of the poor dog's testicles. I couldn't hear anything, but I bet the poor dog didn't half fucking howl..."
The subsequent mauling of the dachshund by the tortoise was far too harrowing to be graphically described on a family orientated organ, like this, but those who had seen the footage desribed a scene of utter carnage. With blood splattering everywhere, and the tortoise chowing down on half of the dog's left knacker, it proceeded to bite half of the dog's face off, part of its belly, and a large portion of a hind leg.
"I think the dog went into shock when the tortoise bit half of his bollock off," one researcher told us. "The poor bastard tried to do a runner, only to find he'd been 'clamped' - in the worst imaginable way, and from that point onwards, it all just went a bit mental."
Fortunately, plucky Wayne, the sausage dog, managed to survive the onslaught, although he was left traumatised, subject to mood swings and hissy fits, and a bit gay.
"He tries to shag any old dog on the street," owner, Timothy Chuzzlewit explained. "It's almost as if he senses he's half a bollock light, and he's trying to make up for it. Mind you, he always was a bit fucking retarded. I only got him because I read somewhere on the internet that sausage dogs are rarely gay. What a fucking let down that turned out to be. As for Shelley, the tortoise - we started feeding her lumps of lamb shank. She loves it, but you've got to be a bit careful when you're feeding her, or she'll have your bastard finger off. We don't put them together any more. I mean, it would just be too confusin' for the grandchildren, what with Shelley trying to bite Wayne's knackers off, and Wayne trying to give Shelley one up the arse - that sort of thing can make you dizzy, trying to keep up. True, that is."
More as it's concocted.