Written by Nash D. Plott
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Saturday, 3 September 2011

image for Wikileaks: News of the World was About to Publish Kate Middleton's Entire Genome

The timing of the sudden closure of embattled publication News of the World was far from random, according to Wikileaks documents stolen from MI5. Had the newspaper lasted one more week the plan was to publish a 178 page special edition containing the entire genome of Kate Middleton obtained from a butty crust.

"One cannot overestimate the importance of stopping this information from getting out to the general public," says genetic researcher Dr. Arthur Wells from the Royal Academy of Science. One expects William and Kate to produce the future King of England, and this information represents half of his genome. With the rate of advance in genetic research who knows what will be possible by the time their child is an adult? It could be possible, for example, to create a virus that targeted those specific genes. It is clear that the government could not afford to have that information out at large.

Asked if he had personally seen the genome of Her Royal Highness, Dr. Wells cleared his throat and produced a computer simulation of what the progeny of William and Kate may look like. "That's the problem," confided Wells. "Once the data is out there you just can't help playing with it. Human nature, and all. To our relief and delight we can be almost certain that the child will not have Charles' ears."

A search of the files of resigned News of the World editor Rebekah Brooks resulted in the discovery of a large quantity of improperly obtained confidential information including some of a highly personal medical nature. Videotapes were found from the colonoscopies of several prominent politicians including former Prime Minister Tony Blair. Internal News of the World memos found with the tapes suggest that Brooks intended to use them as a replacement for Page Three, to which she had long objected.

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