Written by Kate_UK
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Topics: Cricket, ninja, vigilante

Thursday, 1 September 2011

Following sensational reports of Ken Andre, the self-styled "Yeovil Ninja", there has been talk of a new vigilante on the block - Andrew Kenton, the "Oval Ninja".

Mr Kenton has been seen stalking the streets of South London dressed all in white, cricket bat in hand, ready to tackle crime as and when he sees it. Except when it's a bit scary.

"Of course, I wouldn't get involved in gang fights or anything like that" Mr Kenton has been heard to say "Some of the estates round here are really rough. I might get my jumper dirty"

Taking on the great cricketing values of fair play and very slow moving action, Andrew has broken up fights between small children, frowned on middle class youths "being a bit rough with the Boris Bikes" and helping old ladies across the road. "He's just what this neighbourhood needs" said local resident Doris Flowerpot "With crime rates soaring and the police too afraid to come onto the estates, it's good to know there's someone out there taking matters into his own hands. And I really like his lovely fresh cricketing whites. I can tell he uses Persil."

Another chipped in "He's not afraid of anything. Just last week I saw him intervene in the sandpit in Kennington Park when two toddlers wanted the same bucket. He really is a local hero." Several locals witnessed this incident and Mr Kenton left the park triumphantly, to the sound of a polite round of applause.

Of course, the police condemned this vigilantism. "We condemn any form of vigilantism" said police spokesperson Sgt Bruce Wayne "This man is putting himself in danger by trying to do a policeman's job without any formal training or body armour. A box and cricketing pads will protect you in certain incidents but you can't predict what might happen out on the mean streets of Kennington. We would strongly urge Mr Kenton to retire from ninja-dom before he gets himself hurt."

His pleas are certain to fall on deaf ears. With the slow clapping of his neighbours still ringing in his ears, the Oval Ninja is not planning his retirement any time soon.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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