Written by Noshing Mink
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Thursday, 1 September 2011

image for Police praise gangsters for their restraint as only 50 people stabbed at Notting Hill Carnival
One member of the public went to the wrong Carnival and received a good beating for his mistake

This year's Notting Hill Carnival passed uneventfully and police praised the public and gang members as reports came in that only 50 people were stabbed. A mere 75 people were arrested for drug-related offences and only 200 police officers were injured.

The Notting Hill Carnival has long been a traditional London beacon of inclusivity, where hundreds of thousands of members of different ethnic communities come together once a year to demonstrate new methods of causing mayhem, usually synchronised to loud music and far-fetched head gear. The Carnival is loosely based on similar events in Brazil, with the added ingredient of good old-fashioned British violence to make it more interesting.

A police spokesman said, from a hospital bed in the Rupert Murdoch Ward of the Ealing Royal Infirmary, "We are pleased it went off so well. Clearly all our efforts spending several million pounds of public money in sending busy policemen to local schools to tell the kids that crime is wrong, have paid off. Hurray!"

Even the organisers of the event were ecstatic. One steward, Leroy, proudly showed us his new Adidas shoes while another, Delroy, showed us his new Blackberry.

Local retailers however, said that they wished that customers would use the doors rather than the windows.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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