Written by Ellis Ian Fields
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Topics: Music, Gym, Keep-fit

Wednesday, 31 August 2011

image for Gym Class Music Crime Targetted By Local Fitness Fan
A gym yesterday

A local fitness fan is campaigning for legislation to end what she describes as music crime.

Egregia Nimitz is a member of the local branch of a national chain of gyms and has been horrified by what she hears during their classes.

Now Mrs Nimitz, 46, of Nat King Cole Gardens, wants to use health and safety regulation to control what is allowed to be played in gyms up and down the country.

"I go to weekly Body Combat classes which are done to so-called music brought in by the teacher. It's usually a load of disco rubbish, at heaven-alone-knows how many beats to the minute.

"I don't often mind because it's nameless junk, but the other day I nearly jumped out of my leotard when I recognised Nirvana's classic Smells Like Teen Spirit all remixed like the other stuff."

For Mrs Nimitz, this is not a matter of taste - although she adds that she hates what the producers do to classic tunes - but safety.

"I came home the other day and told my husband - a big Paul Simon fan - what they'd done to Bridge Over Troubled Water and his head nearly exploded!

"If I hadn't applied a cool damp towel quickly, who knows what would have happened? Well, his head would have exploded, I suppose.

"I've talked to my local councillor and MP and I am demanding that action is taken. This is music crime."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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