A Chiswick organist has been accused of performing vibrato on an elderly woman in a church vestry.
Turnham Green resident Humphrey Nonce was allegedly seen with 69 year old Doris Clunge sitting on his organ by local cleaner Chiswick Flo:
"I was scrubbing the pews with Mr Muscle when I clocked the dirty beast and the old slapper" revealed Flo.
But Humphrey Nonce, who has a degree in medieval music, has denied being caught 'in flagrante delicto':
"I was merely demonstrating a rapid recurring tremolo using combination pistons" claimed the respectable organist.
Nonce's partner in grime Doris Clunge, a verger of many years standing, has pleaded her innocence to investigating Police Constable Martin Toad:
"Mr Nonce was playing Bach's Toccata and Fugue in D minor and showing me how to boost the swell division" explained Mrs Clunge.
But Chiswick Flo, who also manages a self service launderette, has been telling her regular service wash clients about the 'incident':
"Doris Clunge had her false teeth out and he was pulling out all the stops" said a shocked Chiswick Flo.