A list of the 10 safest rivers in England and Wales to take an unscheduled dump in has been released by the Environment Agency (EA).
The list includes the River Wandle in London, which was officially declared a sewer in the 1960s, making it totally unsuitable for those struggling to keep hold of the contents of their biological back pocket to wade in and make a seruptitious contribution to the delicate balance of the local eco-system.
EA spokeswoman, Mary Turtle, hoped the list would go some way to offering comfort to those concerned about the consequences of submersible ejections.
She told reporters, 'Its a common fear.'
'The EA hopes that the issuing of this list of the Top 10 safest rivers to 'make yourself safe' as it were, will offer all the assurance required to see more and more granparents being taken out for the day safe in the knowledge they won't pick up a disease when dropping their keks in a river.'
'Our Top 10 should allow families to plan their journey's discretely by mapping their route via the painstakingly restored rivers of Great Britain.'
'I can personally vouch for the cool, fast flowing waters of the river Nar in Norfolk.'
Ms Turtle intimated the EA may offer a certain amount of river bank facilities to cater for the anticpated upsurge in usage.
'There may be a liberal distribution of toilet roll dispensers replacing the old buoys along river banks.'
'It would seem sensible.'
'However, we must remind those wishing to utilise the river to make sure that they work out which way is downstream, or it could all get terribly messy.'