Written by Darwin
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Topics: Paul Gascoigne

Tuesday, 30 August 2011

Retired footballer Paul Gascoigne, nicknamed Gazza, has embarked on a new career as a rent-a-friend.

Gascoigne details his services in a recently placed newspaper advertisement in which he manages to spell twelve words incorrectly - including his own surname. Gascoigne, 44, charges £2500 to live in your house for a week as your best friend.

Potential customers should be wary that Gascoigne can be highly unpredictable. His first client, the teenage son of a billionaire Middle Eastern sheik, hired him for a week in their luxury mansion, during which time Gascoigne set fire to the building nine times, crashed four of the sheik's Rolls Royces while drunk and molested the family dog.

Interviewed by telephone in his hotel room, the drunken former England star garbled incoherently before attempting to order Chinese food from the interviewer. When asked about his expected profit for the year, Gascoigne threw up over the telephone mouthpiece and passed out. He failed to respond to all subsequent questions.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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