A Hurricane over the Isles of Silly is on course for the mainland of Britain. Nothing else matters in the world and waves can be seen in the English channel.
An order has gone out to everyone living in Cornwall and Devon to move immediately to France and the rest of the country is on standby to leave for the tranquil shores of Libya if the winds continue to cause damage to stray cats.
A Cornish seaman complained the the whole thing was 'a storm in a teacup' and was planning to go fishing as normal. Coastguards, however, saved him from certain death, by taking him to the Brittany coast where he is joining the other Cornish refugees.
Monsewer Sarcasmi, the French President, welcomed the English refugees with a shrug. 'You will have to eat humble frogs and squashed snails instead of Cornish Paste from now on' he joked to cheers.
Our intrepid reporter Fanny Froth, peering into the sea at Lands End reports that the wind is getting up. She fears her wig might be blown into the sea but our brave Frothy, as we like to call her, is risking all to serve up more exciting drivel about the weather until we all go mad.