Written by Skoob1999
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Topics: Aliens

Thursday, 25 August 2011

image for "Aliens Will Probably Stink Like Sulphur" - Insists Discredited Academic
"Let's Stop Off There For A Laugh And Blow Everything Up" - An Alien.

Leading UK academic, Professor Fred Quatermass, published papers today in which he deduced that aliens would probably smell of sulphur.

Professor Quatermass has reasoned that alien life forms probably exist on various gaseous planets around the universe, and thus deduced that they would smell of sulphur. Or some other gas. Like a particularly pungent fart.

His claims were today derided as being 'ridiculous and utterly without foundation' by scientists from NASA, the North Aberdeen Space Association, who have previously crossed swords with Professor Quatermass, accusing the discredited academic of 'Alienism.'

"This man, this, so called academic, is just trying to cash in on hate," NASA spokesman, Edith McGonnegal claimed. "If you ask me, he's just a paranoid fruitloop with an irrational hatred of extra-terrestrial life forms, even though he's never seen one. And if I may be so bold as to add - with his nasty attitude, he's hardly ever likely to. It ought to be remembered that Quatermass tried to have the SETI experiment shelved, on the grounds that he'd seen Tom Cruise in War Of The Worlds, and that he wasn't keen on the idea of going to war with alien life forms. The man's obviously six cans short of a five pack. Or something."

Professor Quatermass, who once claimed to have discovered dangerous Martian tadpoles in a disused London Underground station, remains fully and enthusiastically committed to the veracity of his findings.

"Those buffoons at NASA haven't the faintest idea what they're talking about," he ranted. "There are aliens out there - and they're nasty, and they'll stink. They'll be all slimy and horrible and driven by homicidal impulses. There's no point trying to make friends with the little green shape-shifting bastards - we have no choice other than to wipe them out without mercy. Otherwise, humanity as we know it will cease to exist. Excuse me ladies and gentlemen - I have to go. John Carpenter's The Thing is on ITV 4 at 12:45 am. He had the right idea. Kill the bastards. Sod NASA."

More as we get it.

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