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Tuesday, 23 August 2011

image for Toxicology results in Amy Winehouse postmortem
No drugs here as pathology lab confirmed Amy was drug-free the night she died

London - The cause of death 'remains a mystery' a pre-inquest hearing into the singer's death was told today as lab tests confirmed the absence of any illicit substances in the tragic singer's system.

But the reason why Golders Green Crematorium 'very nearly burned down to the ground' during her final sendoff was revealed to the court as pathology results were read out in court.

Winehouse had apparently consumed 'a few drinks' in the 24 hours before her demise - including a bottle of 70-proof Polish vodka, a jeroboam of Creme de Menthe, eight pints of Duchy Originals organic lager, two bottles Insanesbury's Taste The Diffidence oak-matured Liebfraumilch, countless alcopops, a snifter of Schnapps, countless stout/barley wine chasers and the entire Hawley Arms' collection of holiday minatures.

"She was pickled, M'Lud," barrister-at-law Archie Shyster QC told the presiding judge, "enough booze to sink The Titanic.

"No wonder fire fighters refused to enter The Crem until flames had subsided in the oven room."

The pathology findings have vindicated the Winehouse family's belief that Amy died drug-free having conquered her fatal attraction to Class A, B and C.

"WTF?" a spokesperson for Pete Doherty commented today.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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