Written by Jason Bourne
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Monday, 22 August 2011

Uproar has followed the announcement that the ashes of the poet T.S. Eliot are to be scattered on a housing development in the village of East Coker.

The ashes of the author of The Waste Land are interred in the local church in the somerset village.

'A handful of dust'

Eliot's fragments are to be removed from their place in the east transept and scattered over 3,700 new homes planned for development in 2013.

The rector of the church says that the money brought by Eliot tourism has payed for the upkeep of the church roof. 'These fragments I have shored against my ruins,' he said.

A long-standing rivalry has existed between the villages of East and West Coker. The body of Ezra Pound is buried beneath the pub in West Coker. House prices have risen in the village made famous by Eliot's connection, while prices have increased slower than the level of inflation in West Coker, due to a Jewish banking conspiracy.

Eliot was a banker at Lloyds of London. East Coker is popular with city commuters. Pound, who decried international finance capitalism, is understood to have kept the wealthy elites out of the village of West Coker as a result of his hostile views.

However, since the crash of 2008 there has been some renewed interest in Pound by local and foreign anti-Semites previously loyal to Eliot.

Keats

Eliot's widow Valerie wishes to be stored alongside Eliot in East Coker's church. The still unravished bride will be placed in a Grecian Urn beside her famous husband.

Former Poet Laureate Sir Andrew Motion leads the charge to save Eliot's remains. Others joining forces in defense of English heritage include Professor Sir Christopher Chicks. Craig Raine was said to be heartbroken and was unable to comment.

Poetry is slow Motion

Eliot achieved great posthumous success when his poems were adapted to music by Andrew Lloyd Webber in 1981. The musical Bats proved a huge success.

There was Machavity the common bat, Bleinstein the horrible Jew bat, and Quillpoof the batty bat, all of whom caused strong and lasting offense.

Hommage

East Coker is Britain's leading gay shrine, with thousands of homosexuals descending on the village east year to pay 'hommage' to Eliot on his Deathday, 4 January, on the eve of the medieval festival Twelfth Night.

'That's a good idea,' said a leading gay. 'We should do that.'

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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