Midnight in Worthing is unlike midnight in any other British town or city. There is much about Worthing that is dark, evil, twisted, and best left unsaid.
It has become apparent that Worthing is rapidly overtaking the world's leaders in the sleaze stakes. There are now more ladyboys in Worthing than in Bangkok, more paedophiles than in the Dominican Republic, more Lesbians than Lesbos, and more gays than San Francisco.
Worthing is a town under siege. Gangs rule the streets, making it more dangerous than Los Angeles. Pension aged hooligans from rival factions tear up the streets, constantly alert for incursions from the Littlehampton mob.
MILF's proliferate, gathering on street corners, in fast food joints and bars, hovering like vultures, simply waiting to pick off the elderly viagra munching mobility scooter mob kingpins.
Behind closed doors, a big fat lady, naked save for a WWI German Army helmet, chases an elaborately moustachioed man around a bedroom, brandishing a sabre in one hand, and a length of knotted bacon rind in the other. She repeatedly and mercilessly whips the man's bare backside with the knotted bacon rind. His howls are not of pain - they are howls of delight.
In an attic garret, a masked and latex clad MILF lashes three naked men on mobility scooters with a cat o' nine tails. From an elaborately rigged music system, Whitney Houston sings I Will Always Fucking Love You over and over again on a loop.
In yet another attic garret, a naked gay man smears vaseline all over his body, relishing the prospect of riding an exercise bike which he has modified himself. Without going into too much detail, so as not to offend the sensibilities of readers, the modifications involve a foot long black plastic dildo, which pumps enthusiastically like a piston when the bike is pedalled.
A house party is being conducted in a basement flat. Several people are drunkenly filming a free for all orgy, footage of which will later be uploaded onto the internet. Outside, a group of five mobility scooter gangstas, high as kites on sherbet dips, slug it out in the street in an orgy of mindless brutality.
A police officer on the night shift, unable to deal with the hell that is Worthing at midnight, knocks discreetly on a door in a seemingly respectable Edwardian terrace. He is admitted by three MILF's clad only in dressing gowns. This officer has fallen under the toxic spell of the world's capital of vice and violence. Nobody knows if he will ever find redemption.
A drunken man lurches out of a pub, weaving from side to side, face grim, eyes straining to focus on what he has to do. Assuming he makes it home safely - and there are no guarantees - he will later sit down at a PC and log on to theSpoof.com He will then write a hilarious 100 word story about Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart ordering bloody Mary's in a Greenwich Village gay bar.
The next day, he will resume his day job of beating defaulters half to death in his capacity as a debt collector.
Screams of pain and passion rend the night air. What appears to be an earthquake in progress is in reality the headboards of thousand's of MILF's beds banging against walls. The whole town seems to be shaking.
Most disturbing though, is the hum of mobility scooters. This insidious sound can be heard emanating from every street and dark alley.
Worthing has many more dark and deadly secrets, far too many to reveal here.
This is Worthing in 2011. This is hell on Earth.
More as we get it.