Written by Skoob1999
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Saturday, 20 August 2011

image for Steven Spielberg Blamed For Seychelles Shark Attacks
Not A Problem For Mac The Knife

The acclaimed director was accused by deranged Daily Mail reader, Cosmo Pelican, 76, of Musselborough, of provoking two fatal shark attacks in the Seychelles in recent days.

The incidents led to the tragic and bloody demises of two men, one a French tourist, and the other a British honeymooner, whose horrified bride witnessed the attack from the beach.

Experts have opined that the attacks were almost certainly perpetrated by a great white shark, and Cosmo Pelican is absolutely convinced that it's all the fault of the famous Schindler's List, E.T., and Jaws director.

"You never heard of this sort of thing before," Pelican told a packed press conference. "At least not until Spielberg released that bloody film. Everybody went shark mad, and great whites were almost hunted to extinction. Obviously the sharks weren't having any of this, so they decided to fight back by eating people. They might only have a brain the size of a walnut, but they're big, they're fast, they've got fucking huge teeth set in powerful jaws, they're lean, mean killing machines, and you really wouldn't want to cross one. I can't help feeling that had Spielberg not made his blockbusting 1970's killer shark shocker, none of this would have happened. Somebody ought to sue him, or something."

Apparently shark attacks are extremely rare occurences, and Britain's Health And Safety executive revealed that they occur almost exclusively in water.

Bathers were advised to stick to their local swimming baths if they feel a need to mess about in the water. There have been no recorded incidents of shark attacks in municipal swimming baths.

Although it isn't unheard of for people to have a crafty piss in them. Having said that, pissing in the pool is on the decrease since councils started adding chemicals to the water which makes piss show up purple.

Or some other colour.

Our reporter isn't sure what colour it is because he couldn't be arsed to research this story.

More as we get it.

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