Written by Skoob1999
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Friday, 19 August 2011

image for Local Man Ripped To Bits On Rival Satirical Website By Ex-Schoolteacher
Planet Earth Is Blue And There's Nothing I Can Do - It's A Funny Old World Saint - David Bowie And Jimmy Greaves

Writers on popular satirical website, The Spoof were up in arms today, as an article on a rival website surfaced, ripping moderately popular local man and occasional The Spoof contributor, Martin Shuttlecock to bits, in a bitingly satirical article, penned with the humorous flair of a wet weekend in Workington.

Martin Shuttlecock, a dashingly handsome 28 year old racing cyclist (Not strictly true - Ed) was roundly castigated in the offending article, which featured him under the pseudonym of 'Martin Littlecock' and accused him of sniffing pensioners' socks, and of being some kind of pervert.

Certain sources suggest that the perpetrator of this incisively written slice of literary venom could be a retired schoolmistress, although this has yet to be confirmed.

"This is outrageous!" one Spoof writer exclaimed.

"I'm going to start a 'Shuttlecock Is Innocent' campaign," another told us. "I mean, why pick on him? He writes stories about his true life misadventures, about his chum, the kebab and burger entrepreneur Ali Bullo, and about how his long suffering wife chides him for being a bit of 'a gormless twat' all the time. He's done nothing whatsoever to merit such a scathing satirical onslaught. This item was so savage and perfectly constructed that poor Shuttlecock must have felt like a rabbit caught in the headlights. Not to mention the crosshairs."

Shuttlecock was still reeling as he quietly tried to regain his breath, following the astonishingly virulent assault on his very soul.

A clearly pained and noticeably pallid Shuttlecock explained:

"You what? Who gives a shit? It's a bit like being savaged by a dead sheep, as that bloke once said in parliament. If somebody chooses to describe me as a man with a miniscule penis, drunken and vomit spattered, sniffing the hosiery of elderly ladies in a lecherous manner - that's their prerogative. It's actually true. So I can't really complain about it. As the Sheen chap said in 'Apocalypse Now' - 'Nothing beats the smell of an elderly lady's socks in the morning' - and certain people should know this better than others. Particularly those with first hand experience. Of old lady's socks. Anyway, I'm tired, and I'm off for a nap. Some of us have to work for a living."

Scotland Yard officers, who allegedly arrested 'Littlecock' and had him stand in a line-up informed Skoob News that they would deny all knowledge of any such arrest, and the subsequent police line up.

"We know nothing about this," Detective Chief Inspector Manu Derriere stated. "And if that Martin Littlecock - sorry, Shuttlecock, doesn't give a shit, why should we?"

That's enough of that nonsense.

More as we can be arsed.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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