Written by MonkeyInTheBath
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Topics: Exams, A-levels

Thursday, 18 August 2011

image for Student wins 37 A-levels
Books are so last century. Why not study using a mind flush?

Today, teenagers across the whole of England, Wales and Northern Ireland are celebrating their excellent exam results - or else planning the rest of their life as an exam-failing looter. Scottish teenagers do not take exams, and are judged instead on a caber-tossing contest held every winter.

One student at the Cockfosters School for Boys managed to beat the World Record for most A-levels passed in a single year, by passing an amazing 37. Herbert Swott gained 'A's in Brass Rubbing, Tea Making and Bathing amongst other subjects.

In the country as a whole, old fashioned subjects such as mathematics and speling are falling out of favour, while modern subjects which make use of technology are proving popular. This year 35% of students gained at least a C in Text Messaging, and a similar number passed the new subject "Updating your Facebook Status".

Other popular subjects studied this year include "The History of The X Factor". Another is woodwork, where pupils are told that they need to make a spice rack, and are taught how to pick up the phone to call a Polish carpenter to build one for them.

Languages continue to be well-studied, with 44% passing their exams in Australian English. "Fair dinkum!" as our multilingual youth might say.

For less bright pupils, there are less ambitious options. A whopping 56% of students taking Dole Money Management passed their exams, and it looks like they'll need it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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