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Thursday, 18 August 2011

image for Local Man, Martin Shuttlecock Laughs His Head Off As Ali Bullo Gets Hit On By Gay Russian
"Me do kebab, burger, and pizza - Me never touch sausage!" - Ali Bullo.

Local man, Martin Shuttlecock, today revealed that his long time friend, Ali Bullo, the South coast kebab shop and burger entrepreneur, has been chatted up down the pub, by a gay Russian soldier.

Much to Ali Bullo's amazement, not to mention chagrin, given that he doesn't have a gay bone in his body.

Shuttlecock has revealed off the record, that he wasn't at all sure about revealing what really happened, but eventually decided to tell all, because Ali Bullo's abject horror as the reality of what was happening to him, was gut bustingly hysterical.

The distinctly unstreetwise Turk had agreed to accompany Shuttlecock up the local boozer for an aperetif, consisting of several pints of Belgium's finest, as their respective partners fannied about and gossiped - as women interminably do - under the pretext of preparing a sumptuous meal.

The interior of the pub revealed a fairly unremarkable scenario - just the usual lunchtime crowd, reading papers, chatting in small groups, playing pool, slotting coins into the fruit machine. Ali Bullo and Shuttlecock ordered refreshing pints, and sat at a table with a view from the window of a parade of shops opposite.

Including a butcher's, a newsagent's, a dry cleaner's, a chemist's, an off licence, a sandwich bar, a Chinese takeaway, an Indian restaurant, a fish and chip shop, and even one of Ali Bullo's own kebab, burger, and pizza grill shops.

The Russian was seated, drinking alone, at a neighbouring table, downing neat large vodkas like water, and occasionally muttering to himself in his native tongue.

Strangely, Shuttlecock made a mental note of this hint towards eccentricity - being accustomed to attracting and meeting all kinds of weirdos on his perambulations out and about. Ali Bullo appeared to remain blissfully unaware of the potential peril lurking at the next table...

The incident was unwittingly provoked by Ali Bullo himself - who, in an unusual departure from constantly talking about the art of cutting doner kebab, or banging MILFs up against the skip out the back - happened to mention that he had served in the army back in his own country.

At which point, the Russian - who was rapidly approaching loss of consciousness, probably due to a sufeit of Uncle Joe Stalin's 'tap water' - revealed that he had also been a soldier, but in the Russian army.

As the Russian focused his full, bleary eyed attention on Ali Bullo, Shuttlecock glanced at his long time friend, wondering whether Ali Bullo had figured out what was going on...

Nothing. Ali Bullo appeared to be utterly oblivious to reality.

Even when the Russian guy moved his chair up and sat right in Ali Bullo's face...making moony loony eyes at him. And not even when the Russian guy told Ali Bullo that he really liked him...

Shuttlecock told us:

"It was okay, and Ali Bullo was blissfully unaware of why the Russian was interested in him. It wasn't because he'd been a bleedin' soldier, and no mistake. The funny part happened when the drunken Russian tried to grope Ali Bullo's leg. Fucking horrified he was. He had eyes like ping pong balls! Anyway, he tried to back away from the Russian, but as he was sitting against the wall, he had nowhere to go...apart from upwards...He was literally backed into a corner, so he went upwards - crawling up the wall like a spider trying to get away from the Russian guy. He got so far up the wall that the nape of his neck was pressing against the ceiling by the time the Russian guy realised that he wasn't exactly 'up for it.' I fucking doubled up laughing. Ali Bullo's eyes were popping out and he went as white as a sheet. No mean feat for a naturally swarthy guy. Then we left, and on the way home, he berated me the whole way for not warning about the gay Russian. I could barely stagger for laughing!"

Ali Bullo responded:

"Bladdy Shuttlecock! Him can be proper right bastard when him choose! Me not knowing that bladdy Russki soldier bloke is gay brattwurst man! Me almost do extremely big shit down trouser leg. Bastard Shuttlecock man! I remonstrate with him but he only laugh. Piss self nearly innit. Is no bladdy joke. Him should have bladdy told me innit. Me only know kebab, burger and pizza. Me know nothing of sausage boys. Especially bladdy Russian ones innit! I not know where Russian gay artillery man go. No bladdy want to either! Thanking you very bladdy much!"

More as we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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