German researchers have moved to dispute recent suggestions the NHS had a raft of cancer consultants who could be reliably used to detect various forms of the disease, saying they were the childlike imaginings of people with a propensity for hallucinogens.
Writing in the medical journal, 'The Lancet,' researchers found that there was more chance of you picking up a life threatening disease whilst visiting a British hospital, than there was of a doctor determining the existence of the one you walked in with.
Research manager, Helmut Frump, revealed the extensive measures taken by his team to come to his conclusions.
He said, 'It was a most detailed period of investigation, one that the British medical industry could learn a lot from when conducting its own investigations into the well-being of its patients.'
'Our test centred around the diligence of the medical practitioners at hand.'
'This involved sending a terminally ill patient suffering with bowel and liver cancer to a consultant for assessment.'
'The resultant diagnosis was somewhat surprising, as they were told to return home and if the pain persisted, to take 2 aspirins every four hours.'
'Given the state of the patient, they were unlikely to be around for a further four hours, let alone get them into their mouths.'
'They were then told, if the pain had subsided, they had potentially just caused the death of someone much more deserving than them.'
NHS cancer patient Wilfred Bye was eager to jump to the defence of the consultants charged with his care.
'Every day, for each new lump we discover, we are awarded a biscuit of our choice.'
'For not discovering one, you are awarded a packet of any biscuits you like.'