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Wednesday, 17 August 2011

A joint study between Spectator magazine and Razzle have shown that there was a spike in die hard Tories indulging in sexual activity on the night of the London riots. As parts of London were besieged by looting mobs, couples in places like Wandsworth, Richmond and Tonbridge Wells, broke conservative protocol and devoured their other halves on the sofa, with one eye on the footage on the TV.

Unlike the events after 9/11, when there was a rush of people of all classes and political persuasions wanting to have sex fearing it was the end of the world, this boost in sexual activity in London during the riots by Tories was driven not by fear but danger and excitement. According to the study they became intoxicated as they observed the lower classes misbehave. As the mayhem and instability was broadcast live on TV this lead to a chemical reaction in Tory brains which also blocked off of the neural pathways that would have normally allowed empathy or human compassion for those that were suffering from the devastation.

Interestingly these Tories needed to watch the inner city burn on the TV whilst they were having sex, the two were interlinked. This was key to what was going on, the riots gave them an immediate and powerful sexual kick, similar to the effect on the brain seen in habitual cocaine users, according to the study. As calm was restored to the streets of London and other cities, the sex drive of Tories crashed back to pre-riot levels. People who participated in the study have revealed that there was a post-riot depression amongst Tories, normally seen in recreational drug users.

However over the last week YouTube footage of the riots has been downloaded, especially in traditional Tory areas, indicating that some are trying to prolong the affect.

Hugh Spencer, a land owner from Norfolk, was profiled for the study. He recalls the weird sensation that overcame when he first heard that events in London were unravelling. Hugh is typical of his political group, in that he normally doesn't have sex with his wife, expect after a few too many sherry's at Christmas. Over these 12 hours however he felt like a man possessed by an animalistic instinct that cut off his rational Tory thought processes.

Up and down the country Tory men, after hearing the news that parts of London were burning, raced to get home and made sure their wives would be there to greet them. Hugh's wife was worried that anarchy was coming to rural Norfolk, so she started to bake extra cakes in preparation. Mrs Spencer recalled her husband looking flustered when he arrived home at their country pile; 'he grabbed me like one of those yobs on the TV whilst I was getting out some lovely Delia smith inspired cup cakes from the oven. He looked drunk with his bloodshot eyes practically rolling in the back of his head. But I couldn't smell any alcohol. His hands were everywhere and he was clumsily trying to undo my pinny. I had flour all over me and said it was going to spoil his lovely Saville Row suit. He grabbed the remote and switched on the news - I thought 'what a kill joy we are going to be watch bad news about scary people from London.'"

Mrs Spencer then described her trance like state, "I glanced at the TV, and became hypnotised by the images of scary looking ethnic people and poor white trash who looked ethnic because they don't wash properly. Hugh pulled me closer as started to get hot flushes and started panting. At that moment I just didn't care that the curtains were open, that Misty my horse needed feeding, that I had left something on the aga or that I had a commitment at church to ring the bells with the ladies from the village. We were like wild dogs fresh from a fox hunt, we smelt blood."

Other Tory couples concurred that it was the best sex they has ever had and for many it felt like they had just started courting. Tamara a horse breeder from Gloucestershire agreed, "We must have gone at it 10 times that night. We couldn't help but feel that as the oiks were running rampant around the streets of London, it was the best aphrodisiac ever, those stinky poor people looting, we couldn't get enough of it. The next morning I could hardly move but as soon as the today programme came on the radio, we were at it again. Listening to James Naughtie and Evan Davis will never be the same again."
These scenes according to the study were repeated all across the country.

Tory MPs and Lords were also affected by the riots, who prior to the recall of parliament to talk about the crisis were on summer recess and stuck with their wives and families. Normally this would be a mind numbing experience, unless they could sneak away to see their interns or mistresses. However the frisson in the shires and Tory heartlands, lead many to indulge in riot fuelled sex.

What about left wing voters. The study found that their sex life actually fell, as fears that their predictions were coming true about mass unrest due to the budget cuts. Others were busy keeping an eye to see if there local organic shop had been hit in the riot.

Professor Humperdink from LSE, a professor of sexual psychology, says that in moments of intense hate, comes intense passion. His worry is that now some on the right have had their first sexual hit from the riots, like with any drug they will want more. Humperdink believes there will be pressure for David Cameron to give these sexualised Tories more instability in the streets and if he doesn't give it to them, they make take matters into their own hands. The right wing are perceived as being sexually uptight, restricted by the Victorian based value systems. Look at Tony Blair and Nick Clegg bragging about their sex life. However he feels that this repressed Tory sexuality is about to explode in ways Britain has never seen before.

What is certain is that in the nine months time there will be a baby boom in the Tory heartlands, perhaps a perfect antidote to the ever increasing immigrant numbers.

Tory Central office would not return calls at the time of the article going to print to see if they had any statistics on this.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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