Written by queen mudder
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Saturday, 13 August 2011

image for Giant leatherback sea turtles menacing hapless Bognor OAPs
A scaly flipper - a bit like this one - interfered with the poor old lady's swimming cozzie gusset

Sussex - Swarms of mating season Dermochelys coriacea leatherbacks were blamed today for 'hideous' attacks on British pensioners holidaying in the UK's 'Adriatic Riviera' of Bognor Regis.

Invading Caribbean testudines have apparently mistaken some of the nation's treasures for potential mates, leaving sunbathing sexagenarians exposed to a fate worse than rioting.

"I was just enjoying an afternoon paddle," Dimchurch resident Mrs Mavis Whelkbasket told The Middleton-On-Sea Observer, "when I felt something nasty - like a scaly flipper - fiddling with the gusset of my Evans Outsizes swimsuit.

"Hello, I said to myself (as one would!) WTF is this? Is some crazed cross-Channel swimmer about to mug me for my lovely pink cozzie??

"There ought to be a law against this sort of squalid attack!"

Other holidaymakers have backed up her story pointing out that only last week The Esplanade was overrun with swarms of massive rutting turtles that were clearly targetting the elderly and insane - er...infirm!

"Something in the water's driving them mental," marine veterinarian Dr Osgood Flory commented today.

"These giants normally prey on a variety of jellyfish which they track down using a form of ESP and gastropod sonar.

"Wanna see a vid of Mrs Whelkbasket's two minute ordeal?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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