Written by Skoob1999
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Saturday, 13 August 2011

image for Local Man Shaves Off Moustache
Shuttlecock "Shaved The Bastard Thing Off With A Bic"

Local man, Martin Shuttlecock, today decided to come clean and freely admit to the world at large that he has shaved his moustache off.

In explaining his extraordinary decision, Shuttlecock pointed out that he'd been observing for some time, that as his moustache was fading in colour, from black, to an almost indistinguishable sort of brown, (And grey - ed) and as he's had his front teeth "done" - he brandished the Bic disposable and dispensed with the upper fanny lip.

"There just didn't seem any point to it any more," he told reporters. "It might have been iconic in the 1980's and 90's but Harry Enfield put the mockers on that, with his 'Scouser' skits. As I'm not a Scouser, I decided it was time to bite the bullet and shave the fucker off. It felt a bit weird at first, and it took some getting used to - a bit like when Kevin Webster out of Coronation Street shaved his off - but it's all good so far."

Lip specialist, Dr Lynton Corsica-Postcard opined:

"He's got one of them Cupid's bows in his top lip. Apparently the ladies find it all a bit sexy, and occasionally get hot under the knicker elastic. More fool them. Shuttlecock's an imbecile. Trust me. I know about these things."

It seems that it's weeks now since Shuttlecock shaved off the offending top lip topiary, and friends in Turnham Green are curious to know if the procedure has made Shuttlecock any more physically presentable?

EIF News consultant, Ken Lucid, said:

"I doubt it. But maybe there's hope for us all."

A Bolivian exile, seated at the next barstool, said:

"If Anne told you that you have quite attractive lips, she must be fucking deluded. Grow the tache back."

At the time of going to press, Shuttlecock was unavailable for comment, but long suffering wife Anne remarked:

"He's a silly bastard. They all are. And as for a Cupid's bow with his lips - I can't really say one way or the other. I've never seen his lips. They're usually wrapped around a beer glass. The stupid lump of an arse."

More as we get it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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