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Thursday, 11 August 2011

image for President Jody McIntyre survives attempted coup

Just one day after sweeping to power in a self-styled popular revolution, Journalist/Political activist and now UK life President Jody McIntyre of the People's Well Massif Innit party has survived an attempted coup by members of his own army.

The members of McIntyre's elite teenage hooded troops began milling around Buckingham Palace where the president was about to give his victory speech. Eyewitnesses say that some of his army started following him, shouting names from a distance before one of them approached from behind and tipped him from the diamond-encrusted wheel chair he had especially pimped for the ceremony.

As McIntyre lay on the ground, two members of his army took turns to do wheelies in his chair while the others filmed each other helping the dazed president-to-be by relieving him of his iPhone, wallet and disabled parking badge, discarding the latter to howls of laughter.

After stripping the chair and burning it in the middle of The Mall, the soldiers marched to Hammersmith where, in the name of revolutionary justice and anti global capitalism, they declared war on a Poundland and TK Max, liberating the staff of various goods before setting fire to the buildings.

A shaken McIntyre swiftly condemned the police and the government for the attempted coup, claiming it was their brutal dehumanising that had created an underclass of directionless , voiceless teenagers, although he later became confused when it was pointed out by his personal assistants that he was now the government and was therefore in control of the police.

McIntyre was removed to a room in the palace where he was said to be "resting".

Joyce Mildew, head of Parsimonious Bullshit studies at the University of Whatever said that institutional racism was at the core of the issue. "Black people are excluded all the time" she said, "for example, when was the last time you saw a black person given the opportunity to actually change into a white person - aside from Lenny Henry doing Steve Martin in that film? Racist DNA at the sub atomic level is denying impoverished black people this opportunity. Is it any wonder they are acting in this manner?"

When it was pointed out McIntyre's assailants were all white and from comfortable middle class backgrounds, Mildew clapped her hands over her ears and blamed biased media reporting and global zionist forces for suppressing the truth.

In Hammersmith, a member McIntyre's army, MC Bitchmaster Ho - real name Timothy Giddings, a white youth from Staines - explained the reasons behind the attempted coup saying "we did it for a larf man."

When asked about what kind of political disaffection and injustice had driven him to take to the streets, the 18-year old, whose parents both work in the financial services sector, replied "he aint got no fakkin legs man, how funee is dat?" before inviting the journalist to hand over his iPhone.

McIntyre, meanwhile, is planning another revolution and was said to have already identified the next political figure he was planning to bring down, until staff pointed out that that he had in fact identified a mirror.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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