Written by Sidney Bollocks
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Thursday, 11 August 2011

image for Looting Set To Become An Olympic Event in 2012
Pacemakers, who are not required to carry a plasma TV.

Following the finest display of looting seen in Britain for a generation, the International Olympic Committee is set to announce that looting will be a new event at the 2012 London Games.

In preparation for its elevation to becoming an Olympic event, a regional competition has been established, with a view to selecting a national squad before the London Games. So far, considerable interest has been shown in Hackney, Peckham, Tottenham, Enfield, Croydon and other London boroughs. However, in order that a truly representative national squad can be selected, organisers are seeking interest from regional towns and cities such as Gloucester, Leeds, Bristol, Manchester, Liverpool and Birmingham. Rumours are also rife that the Isle of Wight may even enter a team.

The looting event will be contested over a carefully designed course, which is the brainchild of Winston Obewon, who served 18 years in prison for his part in the 1985 Broadwater Farm Estate riot. Mr Obewon told us, "The event starts in what is essentially a reconstruction of an electrical appliance shop. When the starter's gun is fired, competitors must enter the shop by smashing a plate glass window, pull at least 80% of the electrical appliances off the shelves, smash them on the floor and set fire to the shop, before finally running 800 metres carrying a 50" plasma TV, while being chased by an overweight steward dressed as a policeman". He went on to say, "There will be no medal; that's not what the boys are about. They'll be happy if the winner gets to take the plasma TV home".

The advent of looting as an Olympic event harks back to the proud days when F1 racing teams realised the best pit crews were to be recruited in Liverpool. After all, nobody gets all four wheels off a car quicker than a scouser.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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