Written by IainB
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Topics: Chavs, London Riots

Wednesday, 10 August 2011

image for Rioters target shops they like
Police stand guard over the last remaining Lidl in Salford.

Rioters in Manchester and London appear to be targeting shops that they like.

"We've seen a large number of shops targeted," said detective inspector Gutta Bungh. "Mainly though, they appear to be Miss Selfridge, Top Shop, Elizabeth Duke and Matalan. At first we couldn't understand why these shops would be hit when shops like H Samuel and Greenwoods were left unscathed."

Eventually, the Serious Organised Crime Squad, or SOCS as they are called, realised that the rioters were replenishing wardrobes and jewellery during times of hardship.

"SOCS have decided that although the purported reason for the riots is political, the real reason is lack of funds."

According to sources inside the rioters camps, a tipping point of Customers Having Austere Valuables (or CHAVs as they have been termed) was reached in the past few days, and after a flashmob organised through Facebook things turned nasty.

"We can't blame Facebook," said Bungh, "they merely provided a platform for many like-minded individuals to organise and congregate in one place. They must have got together during the flashmob to arrange the looting and burning of those shops that contained those items that they wanted most."

The riots are unique in the world as being the first riots that involve looting without one single camera shot of some lone struggler making their way down a High Street with a forty-two inch plasma television. Instead the images shown have depicted people with arms full of denim skirts, jogging tops and chunky gold chains.

"We will be stationing officers in well known hotspot pubs looking for people with a sudden influx of hooded tops for sale," said Bungh. "These will probably be the ring leaders."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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